Stop Creating Your Own Personal Hell

The man was in his early-70s, and he was not happy.

I was looking for something down an aisle in Walmart when he walked briskly behind me, muttering to himself in frustration.

He was spitting complaints out of his mouth, and he was ready to fight. He seemed pissed at Walmart customers, Walmart employees, and probably at the Walmart corporation.

He was in his own personal hell at that moment.

(I've been there in Walmart before! 🤣)

Nearly all of us spit complaints at some point during our day, either out loud or in our heads, and we find ourselves in our own personal hell.

I hate traffic!

My boss is incompetent!

These kids should behave better!

This weather is too hot!

My neighbors are unbearable!

We also blame ourselves:

I’m too sensitive!

People don't like me!

I'm crappy at this!

I have no self-control!

I should just keep my mouth shut!

Here’s what our complaints give us: an excuse to not be happy.

If only this thing outside of myself would change… I could be happier. I could be more effective. I could enjoy my life more. I could be a better person, parent, teacher, friend.

Why would we want an excuse to not be happy? Because excuses let us off the hook. If there are no excuses, then it would be on us to be happy. It would be on us to be fulfilled. It would be on us to trust ourselves, to honor others, to create our own boundaries, to live with integrity.

It’s much easier to blame someone or something else.

We blame people. We blame systems. We blame society. We blame cultures. We blame our DNA. We blame our upbringing. We blame, we blame, we blame.

We’ve been warned about our self-righteousness in so many ways before, but the one that came to mind when I experienced this man in Walmart was the story of Adam and Eve…

God said something like this: "Don’t eat from that tree! The tree of the knowledge of good and evil is only for Divine Beings like me."

But Adam and Eve ate from the tree, and so they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden.

In each and every interaction between us and others or the world, we think we know what’s right and what’s wrong, so we condemn others and we condemn ourselves.

We condemn. We blame. We attack. We judge. We bully.

And this is how we create our own personal hell...

The truth is we are already in Eden. God never kicked us out. We’re still there.

Stop creating your personal hell and wake back up to Eden.

I'm not meaning to say, "Just stop complaining and be happy!!"

I have 100% compassion for each of us experiencing our own personal hell. Breaking free from my own personal hell is a daily exercise, and it's exactly what put me on this path of service to self and others.

And it takes something! The truth may be simple, but the path can be complicated and unclear.

It's to be expected that we create our personal hell. It's natural for us to do so. It's our inheritance as a human creature.

However, something else is possible, and it begins with our willingness to own that we are creating our own personal hell.

Start there.

Thanks so much for reading. 🙏❤️

P.S. As a transformational coach, I help people and organizations move beyond their self-imposed limitations to be their best and feel their best. If you’re interested in finding out how I can support you or your organization, reach out and let’s talk. 💌

Emotional Liberation

Do you ever have a lingering sense of sadness, fear, guilt, shame, or lack? I do.

Below are a few examples of a meditation technique I sometimes use to "cleanse" me of those feelings.

I put my hands on my heart, close my eyes, and say things along the lines of what I've shared below. While I do this, I cultivate a sense of compassion and love in my emotional center (my heart).

The objective isn't to make those feelings go away - the objective is to fall in love with those feelings. A fortunate outcome of falling in love with them, however, is that they also tend to go away, leaving love and compassion for self and others in their wake. ❤️

"I'm sorry": this is taking responsibility for ALL of it, 100%.

"Thank you": this is cultivating gratitude for ALL of it, 100%.

"I love you": this is creating, feeling, and spreading love for ALL of it, 100%.

To this fear:

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for blaming you for holding me back - it’s been me the whole time.

I’m sorry for resisting you, avoiding you, or reacting against you.

I’m sorry for seeing you as a problem.

I’m sorry for wanting you to be some other feeling.

I’m sorry for taking many decades to realize I could’ve loved you the whole time.

I’m sorry for not simply listening, then allowing you to run your course and dissipate at your own pace.

Thank you.

Thank you for being there for me.

Thank you for the opportunity to clear my mind, my heart, my being.

I love you.

To my family:

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not listening to you as well as I know I could.

I’m sorry for reacting from frustration, annoyance, fear, or anger, instead of responding from Love.

I’m sorry for being selfish and wanting to put my own preferences first.

I’m sorry for not doing all I can to show up as I’ve promised I’d show up: extraordinarily loving, patient, and supportive.

I’m sorry for judging you.

I’m sorry for defending against you, as if I’ve ever needed to.

I’m sorry for my bad habits that you might pick up from me.

Thank you.

Thank you for showing up every day and loving me however I’ve shown up.

Thank you for your grace and patience as I grow to be the best husband, father, son, and brother I can be.

Thank you for the opportunity to clear my mind, heart, and being.

Thank you for reminding me what really matters to me.

I love you.

To the call of inspiration:

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for honoring my doubts and fears over the quiet clarity of your vision.

I’m sorry for selling out on you for my perceived sense of security.

I’m sorry for honoring my momentary desires over you.

I’m sorry for doubting your value.

I’m sorry for focusing on the do do do doing over the soft whisper of your wisdom.

Thank you.

Thank you for being a spark within me that never goes out.

Thank you for connecting me with the Universe and the Divine.

Thank you for the ever-present opportunity to be better.

I love you.

Thank you so much for engaging with my work. 🙏❤️

P.S. As a transformational life coach, I help people and organizations move beyond their self-imposed limitations to be their best and feel their best. If you’re interested in finding out how I can support you or your organization, reach out and let’s talk. 💌

The Key to Not S#!tting on What Really Matters

The weather was perfect on Saturday night as we sat outside Chipotle together as a family. While ordering the food, I asked my kids if they wanted chips and they said no. So I ordered what we each wanted and then we all sat down to eat.

Halfway through the meal, one of my boys asked if he could have a couple chips...

Whether or not it's because I'm the youngest of 8 kids, I seem to be hard-wired to protect my own food at ALL costs. I don't like sharing it, especially when there's ANY question at all whether I'll have "enough" myself.

So he asked the forbidden question with his hand hovering across the table: "Can I please have a couple chips?"

And then it hit me: this is a perfect opportunity to practice coming from a Heart at Peace.

Especially in those potentially heated reactions, we always have a choice: come from a Heart at Peace or come from a Heart at War.

Actions alone don’t always tell us where we are coming FROM when we interact with others. And where we’re coming from can often make ALL the difference.

Mostly we focus on our actions, but our actions are only one part of how we show up.

I automatically decided that I would share the chips with him. The only choice that remained:

I can offer him this bag of chips from a Heart at Peace or I can offer it from a Heart at War.

He'd still get the chips either way! But when I come from a Heart at War, I’m setting our relationship up for disharmony. I can feel it at those times. He can feel it at those times. My wife can feel it at those times. And it doesn’t feel good for any of us.

When I come from a Heart at Peace, love is present. Understanding is present. Generosity is present. Intentionality is present.

So I handed him the bag from a Heart at Peace.

Here's the wild thing about the Heart at Peace vs. Heart at War distinction: we can even engage in war from a Heart at Peace.

More people than ever are aware of social and environmental injustice, inequity, and exploitation than ever before. We can resolve these crises from a Heart at Peace. In fact, we’re much more likely to be effective if we come from a Heart at Peace than if we’re coming from a Heart at War.

Sometimes we have to fight, but fighting from a Heart at Peace is a much more grounded and intentional place to engage from than fighting from a Heart at War.

(Saying "no" can feel like we're firing a shot in a war sometimes. And we can fire that shot from a Heart at Peace if we so choose, even if someone fires back from a Heart at War.)

It might sound petty or silly to use sharing chips as an example to demonstrate this, but man oh man, so many times and in so many little ways throughout life I have come from a Heart at War.

I’ve come from a Heart at War with my kids around bedtime routines, loudness in the house, or in cleaning up their messes. I’ve come from a Heart at War with my dad, colleagues, and various students over the years. Marriages break up over Hearts at War. Global Wars have happened solely due to Hearts at War. Relationships, livelihoods, and well-being have suffered due to Hearts at War.

When we come from a Heart at War, we’re usually defending some part of ourselves that doesn’t need defending, and we end up s#!tting on what really matters to us.

Heart at War or Heart at Peace: choose.

Thank you so much for engaging with my writing. 🙏❤️

P.S. As a transformational life coach, I help people and organizations move beyond their self-imposed limitations to be their best and feel their best. If you’re interested in finding out how I can support you or your organization, reach out and let’s talk. 💌