Fitting In and Looking Good

In August last year, I led a leadership team retreat at a local school. When someone brought up having imposter syndrome, I asked the room who else experiences imposter syndrome. 

15 of 17 hands went into the air.

Imposter syndrome is fear, and all of us have experienced it or its twin: the fear of looking bad.

One participant’s takeaway from that conversation: “It’s not a me thing. It’s a human thing.”

It’s freeing to know we’re not the only one! And it’s also freeing to know we needn’t be limited by our fears.

In a recent Mind Mastery Experience, “fitting in” showed up in the conversation almost immediately. One participant shared how she almost didn’t come to the event because she was afraid she wouldn’t know anyone and have to deal with her fear of fitting in.

A desire to fit in is not just a you thing or a me thing: it’s a human thing. And it’s not just a desire - it’s often paired with a fear that we won’t fit in.

Imposter syndrome and fitting in have this in common: they both stem from fear. 

You and I, and many people we’ve worked with and witnessed, have a tough time getting over our fears of looking bad and of not fitting in. In small or large ways, these fears are fundamental to the human experience.

These fears show up in a lack of honesty (we wouldn't lie if we didn't fear), a lack of self-expression, putting lots of effort into obtaining degrees and nice clothes and other status symbols. They show up in not being straight, in delaying decisions, in people-pleasing, in social anxiety.

When we look at our fears, we often look at the external thing we’re fearing: other people’s opinions and judgments, not fitting in, not being effective, not being included or accepted, not looking good enough in others’ eyes. 

But fear doesn’t come from outside us. It comes from inside.

Fear is an inside job. Fear originates in insecure thinking. 

We ALL have a fear of looking bad wired into us somewhere. We’re afraid of what people think.

Why would we be afraid of what other people think? Because we know how we think about others, and it’s not very kind.

So there are some really great techniques to practice breaking through the fear of looking bad.

First, stop judging others. Judging others is automatic. Our culture and your family and your friends and your media have trained you to judge others. Stop it! 

For me, my mind likes to be occupied, so I replace judgmental thoughts with loving thoughts. I find ways to bless others, wishing them well in whatever ways I can think to. And I find things to love about others. Beauty and Love are in the eye of the beholder, so I use judgment to train my mind to be more loving.

The only thing between my true Self and loving others is my own judgments. Where there is judgment, there is no love. 

Second, get clear on your own intentions. When our intentions become more important than looking good, the fear of looking bad doesn’t stick around. It can’t! We’ve gotten too interested in something more valuable. 

Fitting in and looking good stop meaning as much when we stay in touch with what matters most to us. And unsurprisingly, we end up looking a whole lot better when we stop caring as much about it.

Third, get that the real source of fear is an insecure thought - a self-judgment that we’re in some way not enough. So our fears about looking bad have a lot less to do with other people’s thoughts than they have to do with our own judgmental thoughts!

These fears - like imposter syndrome - aren’t a problem. They’re not an enemy. They are for us. I think of fear as one of the clearest expressions of self-love - we fear for our safety, and only people who love us fear for our safety.

This kind of fear is a younger, less rational part of ourselves. So don't judge it. Don't be mean to it. It's like a scared child who's interrupting your work - give it some love, make some room on the chair next to you for it, hold it in your arm a moment, then get back to work.

So, thank you, fear, for all the love!! Now, let's get to work.

Fear is just misplaced love. When we can get in touch with the self-love more directly - like our love for the things we value and the things we’re committed to - well then, we free ourselves up from some of that fear.

Last week I was caught up in a whirlpool of fear for a couple days. When I was reminded in some reading that my life is only about Love, the fear disappeared when I turned loving eyes and arms toward it.

This is next-level living. This is the access to freedom. This is mind mastery.

And it’s possible for each of us.

You are always training your mind. Are you doing it intentionally?

Yes, fear is an inside job. So is happiness.

Much Love. ❤️

The 🗝️ to Aligning ALL Levels of Our Being

Some relationships in our lives seem naturally positive and strong without any effort at all. 

Most of our relationships, however, take work to keep them alive, meaningful, and generating positive energy in our lives. 

Especially our most important relationships - they take attention, care, and intentional effort.

Like a marriage that seems to have lost its spark - the spark may still be there, we just forget to tend the fire of the relationship from time to time. That fire isn’t likely to stay alive on its own without careful tending.

Last week I sat down and had a straight and compassionate conversation with someone very important to me. Our relationship had become strained and tense over the prior week.

I was tense. I was resistant. I was annoyed. I was afraid. I was a bit exhausted. 

So I sat down, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and said “Yes, my friend, it’s time!”

We’d had this conversation in different ways over the last few years, and this time I was very direct.

“Listen, my friend. I love you. I embrace you. I have all the room in the world for you. We want the same things. We both want love. We both want peace. We both want safety. We both want enjoyment. And we want those things at all times and in everything we do.”

“So work with me. Let’s use our powers of creativity for us.” 

“There’s so much to do! Let’s do this together!”

You see, I was experiencing a misalignment with this someone, this key someone in my life. 

Tens of thousands of scientific studies have been performed showing the bio-psycho-social nature of Self. These studies show that who we are is intimately connected to our biology, our minds, and our relationships.

Being one, whole, united, and authentic self means being aligned at all levels of our being. And being aligned at all levels of our being is all about relationships. 

How do I relate to my physical body?

How do I relate to my mind?

How do I relate to my heart (my emotions)?

How do I relate to the people, communities, organizations, and institutions in my life?

Aligning ALL levels of our being - it begins with being agents in the health and well-being of all of our relationships. 

It was on Saturday morning that I sat down and had this direct and compassionate conversation with the important someone in my life. 

We got on the same page. 

Relationships get wounded in our ignorance, in our immaturity, in our lack of awareness and lack of training.

Wounds aren’t a problem so long as we heal them. In facts, wounds are an opportunity for healing. It's the role of responsible adults to create the best possible conditions for healing to occur.

How are your relationships with all parts of yourself - your body, your mind, your emotions, and all the people, communities, organizations, and institutions in your life? How's your relationship with the Eternal, the Divine, the Great Mystery?

Where there’s a wound, bring healing, my friend. 

Where there’s misalignment, bring intentionality and a commitment to align.  

And if you don’t know where to begin, start here: 

“Yes, my friend, it’s time!”

Much Love. ❤️

P.S. when you’re ready to level-up your ability to align all levels of your being, there are 2 ways to work with me:

• One-on-one and relationship coaching (16+)

• Mind Mastery group programs for your team, school, business, or organization.

Tuning the Instrument of Our Being 🎶

Who we are - you and I - are instruments that life plays for the universe.

We make music with our voices when we even just speak.

We make music with our breathing and heartbeat. 

We make music in our minds as we think, in our hearts as we feel, through our bodies as we move.

Our music is sourced in the Divine. 

Even when it's disharmonious.

Perhaps why our music is sometimes (often?) disharmonious is that we haven't tuned ourselves as an instrument.

Musicians of all types do it. The professionals in a symphony even do it together visibly on stage. 

Tuning is a committed act, an intentional act, a critical act that creates the conditions for harmony and beauty.

What difference would it make for you and your life if you consciously tuned the instrument of your being before engaging with life?

Before conversations, before meetings, before decisions, before even getting out of bed...

My son (much older now than he's pictured below) recently asked me to teach him to play guitar. He's learned that he needs to tune the guitar before he plays. 

Perhaps in life if we all learned to tune ourselves first, we'd experience more moments of harmony - individually for ourselves and together in communion with others.

Most of us have never learned to tune the instrument of our being. It’s not taught in most schools. It’s not taught in most churches. It’s not taught in most families.

And it’s a powerful skill to master. 

Tune the instrument of your being.

Much Love. ❤️

P.S. when you’re ready to level-up mastering the art of tuning your being, there are 2 ways to work with me:

• One-on-one and relationship coaching (16+)

• Mind Mastery group programs for your team, school, business, or organization.