If You're Not Outraged...

“You should be upset!”

“You should be ashamed.”

“You should be happy!”

Have you ever heard or said any of those?

A friend of mine in high school used to say, “If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.”

No, my friend, that’s not true. 

We live as if certain situations and circumstances require us to feel a certain way.

They don’t.

We are not required to feel any particular way about anything.

Getting this is what it is to get free.

A country gets bombed, a politician says something controversial, your spouse speaks with a frustrated tone, your students don’t follow your instructions, and WHAM - "Of course you would feel upset!"

Little kids take cues and learn from the adults, peers, and bigger kids in their lives.

We inherited our reactive behaviors, and we think they’re our authentic self. 

They’re not. 

We think that our reactions witness the truth about reality and ourselves. 

They don't.

Ask yourself this question next time you’re feeling reactive: What’s the age of this reactive behavior? 4, 7, 11, 13? (It’s highly unlikely that it’s older than a teen.)

A reaction is an internal, trained mechanism, an “unconscious behavior in which our energy is directed outward into the world in an attempt to defend ourselves or attack another. The theme of all reactive behavior is blame and revenge.” (The Presence Process.)

Your reactions aren’t you. They're a defensive, protective part of you that turns on when faced with a perceived threat.

In fact, if we start paying attention when we’re reactive, we’ll likely see that we’ve allowed ourselves to be taken over by an attack emotion that we justify with “noble,” self-righteous, and protective ideas. 

We use our reactive emotions to either protect ourselves or protect others, and we leave casualties in our wake when we choose to live from those fiery emotions. 

Yes, of course our reactions have a healthy role, but 99.9% of the time we're misusing them.

I fully stand for a safe, enjoyable, and fulfilling world for all of us. I’m standing with all the enjoyment, wonder, and appreciation with which I am committed to experiencing my life. 

And I want us all to know and live from the truth that we are never actually constrained to feel any specific way, no matter how the world and its people are showing up to us. 

We don’t need to be outraged to prove that we're paying attention.

We don’t have get angry to show that we’re hurt.

We don’t have to hate to prove that we love.

We can all learn to live more powerfully and more consistently with what we really want for ourselves and others.

What is it, above all else, that you truly want for yourself and others?

That question is an access to power, and it’s a gateway to a life beyond living in reaction to our circumstances.

Much Love. ❤️

What Would YOU Do?

Remember the WWJD (“What Would Jesus Do?”) bracelets from the 90s?

I remember being a little weirded out by them in my early teens. 

1. Part of me thought they were dorky and something to make fun of. 

2. A second part of me was struck by the visible commitment they were. 

3. A third part of me, well, I wasn’t able to articulate this then, but in retrospect the feeling was one of being a bit awed by the discipline of it. 

4. A fourth part of me felt guilty that, though I considered myself a Christian, I wasn’t willing to look dorky, show a visible commitment to faith, or be disciplined enough to wear one.

“What Would Jesus Do?” is a shorthand way of asking this question: 

What would YOU do if you lived life in alignment with the Christian message?

And here’s the question more broadly:

What would YOU do if you “walked the walk” in your life? If you lived with integrity in those things that really mattered to you?

What would you do THIS week, THIS day, THIS hour, THIS moment if you were to really live in alignment with your commitment to ____________?

In a coaching conversation yesterday, a newish client said, “There are so many layers and it’s complicated!”

It took us another 15 minutes or so to get to the heart of all those layers and access a powerful and profound simplicity.

We got to the heart of HIM not by dealing with the layers themselves. Instead, we dealt with the person experiencing those layers. We humans, though complex creatures, are rather simple:

We are ALWAYS living from a commitment.

Mostly, we’re living from a default commitment that we’re blind to. Looking good, being liked, seeking approval, getting it "right," proving we're “enough,” doing everything we “should,” etc.

Those commitments aren’t expressions of who we really are - they’re expressions of the culture and families we grew up in.

One of the beautiful aspects of even those inherited commitments, though, is that even they point to what really matters to us if we take a few moments to dig a little deeper.

What would greatness do in that situation you’re dealing with?

What would love do in that relationship you’re frustrated about?

How would curiosity engage with that stressful thought?

How would health and well-being respond to that craving?

And yes, what would Jesus, Gandhi, or Buddha do if they were in your shoes dealing with your life?

Want to get clear what matters most to you AND level up your ability to honor it? Get in touch with me and let’s talk.

Much Love. ❤️

We Aren’t the Only Ones

In a conversation with me a few months back, a client realized that for over 5 decades she'd had a view of men that they don't listen to her.

I'm sure she's right sometimes, but what she saw in our conversation was that her view that men don't listen impacts her physically and emotionally, and it's an experience stuck within her that comes from when she was younger than 5.

What most of us can fairly easily see is that the stories we have about ourselves, others, and the world often limit how we get to show up in our lives.

It can limit how we feel. It can limit what we do. It can limit who we are.

What we often don't see, though, is that we aren't alone in experiencing the effects of our views and thoughts!

If I live inside the perspective that men don't listen to me, then I'm not ever really going to listen to them either! I'm right about how they are. I'm right about how they treat me. I'm right about my own smallness in relationship with them.

And our righteousness - about others, ourselves, and the world - blinds us to the humanity in another, and it blinds us to our own capability to thrive in ALL relationships, regardless of whether they listen to us or not.

It doesn't just impact us and how we feel and who we get to be.

It limits others too.

Something else is possible, and it starts with each of us (especially those of us who think it needs to start with someone else).

No, we aren't alone in experiencing the effects of our views of ourselves, others, and the world. Perhaps remembering this will give us more energy to transform our views when they're not working for us or others.

Don't know how to do that powerfully? Reach out and let's talk.

Hot tip that I've been noticing lately: whenever we make another person wrong, we're seeing ourselves as a victim. Seeing ourselves as a victim isn't a very empowering self-concept.

Much Love. ❤️