The Missing Ingredient in My Love

A month or so ago, we were having a typical Saturday afternoon at home. 

At some point, my wife and I were hanging in the kitchen and making some food together.

And I was a bit cranky.

Why was I cranky? I couldn’t actually put my finger on it. It was just my mood, I guess.

So I checked in with my commitments…

As part of my daily self-creation process, I create who I am as a husband and father: 

I am an extraordinary husband and father, and I love with patience, presence, appreciation, and generosity.

This statement is powerful to me for two reasons:

1. It inspires me to move beyond my ordinary, default ways of being and acting (like reacting).

2. It defines for me what it is to love. Remember, like courage, love is a verb, not a noun, and I find it extremely useful to define the ways that I can create love.

I asked myself on that cranky Saturday afternoon: was I being patient? Present? Appreciative? Generous? Yes, I think I was being all those things.

But something was still missing…

What else would be an authentic expression of love in action with my family? 

Enthusiasm! Excitement! Passion!

Enthuse: en-theos. God within. “To be inspired or possessed by a god.”

Enthusiasm for life. Enthusiasm for family. Enthusiasm to express and honor the spirit within me and within them - even when in a low mood.

Yes, that was missing. 

Since then, I daily create myself in this vibrant and life-giving way - some days it's 'enthusiasm,' other days it's 'passion.'

Always, it's vibrant and life-giving.

My Saturdays with the family haven’t been quite the same since.

Thank you for reading. ❤️

P.S. As a transformational coach - a life coach, a soul coach - I help teens, adults, and organizations move beyond their self-imposed limitations to be their best and feel their best. If you’re interested in finding out how I can support you or your organization, reach out and let’s talk. 💌

Courage Is Not a Noun

Courage is not a noun.

It isn’t something you can have. 

It isn't a fixed, unmoving quantity, or something you need to build up over time.

Courage isn't something some people have while others don't.

It isn't something you can have more or less of.

It isn't some thing at all.

Courage is an action. Courage is a verb.

Courage is an act of the will.

Yesterday my mind and my heart (my emotions) took a dip into a pool of anxiety and fear. The conditions were ripe for it, and I felt it slide into my body, and then my mind did what I trained it to do for so many years: it tried to solve the problem.

But there was no problem to solve! There never really is.

Besides, even if there were a problem to solve, an anxious and fearful mind is NOT our most effective problem-solver. 

In that moment of feeling fear and anxiety, I didn’t have courage. What I did have was an experience of fear and a mind about to rev up. And, to be honest, a tad of terror was mixed in there too.

But instead of diving into the mind to fruitlessly solve the problem, I chose to act with courage. 

I spoke to my fear and here’s what I said: “I love you. I’ve got room for you. Come on in.”

I put my hands on my chest and I said it again: “I love you. I’ve got room for you. Come on in.”

I acted courageously. I spoke and created courageously.

I didn’t have courage - I created it in my actions.

To relax in the face of potential stress and anxiety is courageous to me. To love my fear is courageous to me. 

That experience of fear, anxiety, and terror gripped me for a couple minutes, and then I was beyond it - having loved and welcomed it, it transmuted into something beautiful within me.

5 minutes. That's about how long the experience was, and I enjoyed it! A moment like that could've tanked me for a week in the past.

Yet this time I acted courageously.

Courage is a spiritual act. It’s an acknowledgment of our circumstances, thoughts, and feelings, and then an action beyond them in service of something worthy - something we’re really committed to.

Courage is not a noun. It's not something you or anyone else can have. It's also not an adjective, a description of you or anyone else.

Courage is a choice, and the choice is yours.

Thank you for reading. ❤️

P.S. As a transformational coach - a life coach, a soul coach - I help teens, adults, and organizations move beyond their self-imposed limitations to be their best and feel their best. If you’re interested in finding out how I can support you or your organization, reach out and let’s talk. 💌

Sailing vs. "Not Drowning"

Here’s how life is like the ocean: there are calm days, there are stormy days, and there's everything in between. 

The waves can range from tiny and unnoticeable to huge and daunting. 

The winds can vary from light and breezy to strong and squall-like. 

The sunshine can warm, and the rain and hail can pelt. 

That’s life: varying conditions, some quite uncomfortable, some quite comfortable, and most in between.

Here’s how most of us live on this ocean of life: "not drowning." 

"Another Monday." 

"Here we go again."

"I’d rather be anywhere else."

"Is it Friday yet?"

"Just making it through."

"I’m doin’."

There’s nothing wrong with this way of life! It’s a way of living we learned from our culture. It’s a way of living that helped our genes survive the millennia. 

And it’s a constrained way of living.

"Not drowning" dishonors the vitality, creativity, joy, and love that’s possible for each of us.

Here’s an alternative to living a life of “not drowning”: Sailing.

Sailing is a dance between the agency of the sailors and the conditions of the ocean: the waves, wind, and current.

There’s a profound difference between living life to not drown on the one hand and living life to sail on the other.

Not drowning is a struggle. Sailing is a dance.

Not drowning is surviving. Sailing is thriving.

Not drowning is reacting to circumstances. Sailing is creating in the presence of circumstances.

Sometimes even sailors can’t do anything but batten down the hatches until the storm has passed, and that is absolutely a wise thing to do.

When the storm has settled, though, the sailors get back to sailing (dancing) by cleaning up, mending the damage, and setting sail.

The only instruments we need if we're focused on "not drowning" are measuring instruments:

• measuring the current conditions and predicting the future conditions

• worrying about these current and future conditions

• fearing these current and future conditions

Those instruments are great and necesssary, but they're secondary to the sailor's primary instrument: the compass.

Direction.

Purpose.

Intention.

If we don't create intentions, if we aren't connected to a purpose worthy of our life, then we're left with a life of not drowning. There are some really pleasant moments in this life. But it's not sailing.

We are built to sail. Come master it with me.

Thank you for reading. ❤️

P.S. As a transformational coach, I help teens, adults, and organizations move beyond their self-imposed limitations to be their best and feel their best. If you’re interested in finding out how I can support you or your organization, reach out and let’s talk. 💌