Trying to Make Me Feel Okay

How are you?

(It depends on what I'm thinking.)

How’s your day going?

(It depends on what I'm thinking.)

How was your weekend?

(It depends on what I'm thinking.)

Even when I’ve spent a day struggling - how has my day been? 

It depends on what I’m thinking.

Our thoughts aren’t everything. In fact, our thoughts are very little. It’s how we listen to our thoughts that determines their value and their impact. 

Over the last few days, I’ve had a decision on the table. Whenever my mind started revving into worry or analysis, I remembered this:

The mind is a gift. When it worries or over-analyzes, it’s afraid I won’t be okay. It’s searching for a way for me to feel okay.

And I remembered this:

The mind gets its energy to worry from fear in the nervous system and uncertainty in the heart. The way to settle that energy isn’t to figure it out with the mind - it's to allow the problem-solving, worried mind to settle on its own as its fuel source gets defused.

With unconditional feeling. With gentle presence. With caring attention.

Without needing to fix anything. Without needing to figure anything out. Without needing to fear anything.

I am not my mind. I am not my emotions. I am not my body. I am the space in which those parts of myself arise. 

My willingness to allow the parts of myself to be without needing them to be different - that’s the most important thinking I can ever do. Letting those parts be allows them to resolve themselves in the light of my own unconditional presence.

"I am safe. I can handle this. Thank you for the gifts you are. Thank you for looking out for me. I love you. I am safe. I can handle this."

These thoughts may start in the mind, but I’m only using them in my mind to focus it. Otherwise, I’m settling those truths into my body, into my heart, into my nervous system. 

How am I doing with that process lately?

It depends on what I’m thinking - not because my thinking is everything, but because my thinking impacts my experience of everything.

And I'm doing great with it. ☺️❤️

“There are no neutral thoughts. Every single thought is charged with a certain quality of energy. And when charged with Love, every thought can contribute to the healing of the planet and the transformation of the world.”

- Pierre Pradervand, The Gentle Art of Blessing

Much Love. ❤️

The Mind Isn’t Designed to Solve This Problem

Stress, worry, and anxiety. They’re all expressions of fear.

(Next time you’re feeling stressed, instead of saying, “I’m stressed,” try saying, “I’m feeling scared.”)

When the mind steps into the hamster wheel of stressed, worried, or anxious thinking, it’s trying to solve a problem it isn’t designed to solve. 

The heart (emotional body) says: “There’s a problem!”

The mind says: “I’m on it!”

Many of us look in the wrong direction to ease our troubled minds. We either look outside ourselves ("I can't be at peace until that circumstance changes") or we blame and judge our worried minds for our discomfort. 

We wish it would stop thinking sometimes! 

The mind, however, is there to support us. In its brilliance and creativity, it looks and searches and digs, looks and searches and digs, looks and searches and digs…but it doesn’t lead us anywhere new when we’re in a worry or anxiety loop.

Here’s what I do, and like most meaningful inner “work,” it takes consistency and unconditional presence to master it:

First, I thank the mind. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for looking out for me. Thank you for trying to solve this one. Thank you for the gift you are that I often fail to notice. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for trying to help. Thank you, thank you.”

Then, I remind my mind of this truth that is nearly always true, but it and my heart forget: “I am safe. There is nothing I need to fear. There’s nothing I need to figure out. There’s nothing I need to protect. I am safe.”

Third, I let it know, “I’ve got this. I can handle this. Thank you for helping, and I can take it from here. You can keep worrying if you’d like, but it’s not actually helping. I’ve got everything I need, and you can take a break.”

Fourth, if there's inner receptivity to this question, I ask it: “If you weren't playing this stressed/anxious/worried role, what role would you want to play?” This question is incredibly powerful when asked at the right time.

That’s a way I engage with my mind during worried, stressful, or anxious times.

This part is important too: the fearful mind doesn’t generate its own energy - it’s getting energized by a fearful heart.

As the mind quiets, the deeper “work” can truly get under way in earnest: being loving towards the troubled heart.

We’ve grown up thinking that our way out of trouble is better thinking, but thinking alone can’t resolve these troubles of the heart.

This does: unconditionally feeling it.

Not indulging in it.

Not wallowing in it.

Not getting warped up about it.

Listening to it, giving it room, welcoming it up, and letting it know I’m there for it, no matter what. 

I’m sorry for pushing you away.

I’m sorry for being scared of you.

I’m sorry for not learning sooner how to support you.

Thank you for looking out for me.

Thank you for the gift you are, even when I don’t see it.

I’ve got room for you. You are welcome here. I love you.

Much Love. ❤️

"A Cavern of Sorrow I Couldn't Find"

This is crazy to me: 

Blaise Pascal wrote in the mid-1600s that “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” He saw that people seek constant distraction to avoid dealing with their own internal vocalizations - of the mind and heart.

What were people possibly distracting themselves with back in the 1600s?! 

We are now in, my friends, the Age of Distraction. A device in our pocket that can access most of human knowledge and a near-infinite supply of entertainment.

Yet with all our information and entertainment, we’re still living our lives seeking distractions to avoid the quiet desperation within our hearts and minds. 

I was chatting with some friends recently, and one of them said this: “How can you drive when your radio is broken?! I’d go crazy!”

Do you need to have something playing? Music, tv, conversations with others?

Try turning it off. Try being with those uncomfortable parts.

This past weekend I supported a client on a spiritual retreat. He said this at one point:

“I went searching for a cavern of sorrow, and much to my surprise, I didn’t find it.”

The cavern that he feared was there in the corners of his being...it wasn’t actually there! For years he feared it was there, he thought it was there, it seemed like it was there. But when he took the time, in a safe space, to explore it and go deeper, it wasn’t actually there.

We create a world of problems and challenges by trying to avoid the simple act of being with ourselves.

The mind thinks it’s got an accurate perception of what’s so, but when we gently, courageously, and skillfully peel back that surface of thought, story, and illusion, we find that reality is often much kinder and more loving than we expect it to be.

The mind is doing its best to help guide us to success. It’s trying to help. It’s worrying and analyzing and judging for us, not to us. 

As my 16-year-old client said at the end of our call the other night: “My mind is wanting to help me.”

It is. It really is. 

Here's a priceless tip to being with the mind: be with it in a gentle, loving, compassionate, and understanding way. 

What I’ve found to be the most powerful way to settle a troubled mind is to begin by turning toward it, gently and kindly, saying:

“Thank you. Thank you for looking out for me. Thank you for trying to help. Thank you for doing everything you can to give us a better life. I’ve got this now. I can handle this. You can relax.”

Much Love. ❤️