ME Before WE in Transformation

A client has been struggling in a relationship with one of her children. She wanted to meet with me to find a way to make the relationship better so her child would behave better.

Before we could get to how she could improve the relationship with her child, though, we had to deal with HER.

ME before WE in transformation. What do I need to deal with over here with ME before I can reach out and deal with the WE?

It takes slowing down. It takes patience. It takes a willingness to look in the mirror and to own how we’ve been showing up and where we’ve been coming from.

I was coaching another coach once, and he kept wanting to discuss new practices and routines he could institute to support a transformation. I kept slowing him down and exploring what was already so, what was already present, what was already underlying the situation. THAT is what led to a breakthrough for him, not simply adding more practices to his plate.

When we deal with ME first - our own sloppiness, reactivity, and hidden intentions - we can access a deeper level of Self and a wider range of observation and creativity. We’re then able to engage with others in a much more intentional, meaningful, and productive way.

When we deal with WE first - what we want from THEM, what we say to THEM - we often end up in the same position and very little changes. 

When the oxygen masks in the airplane cabin drop, put yours on first before dealing with others. It seems paradoxical, but we can’t adequately support others unless we’re operating at our best.

When I don’t deal with ME first, I'm making others deal with ME. That’s not fair, and it’s not effective.

ME before WE in transformation - not as a rule, but as a guiding principle that works.

Deal with yourself first.

Much Love. ❤️

What's Driving You? (Or do you have the wheel?)

I work with an artist in her early 50s. What’s been ongoingly opening up for her is a clear head. 

Her creative projects are alive and vibrant. 

She’s freer to be and is living more authentically. 

She’s listening better - to others, yes, and to herself.

Wisdom keeps falling out of her mouth during our conversations. 

I’ve got extremely little to do with her growth. Here’s what I do: I create a wide open space for her to express herself and to be seen and heard, and I ask questions and make bold statements here and there that allow her thinking to jump onto new tracks - which allows her being to jump onto new tracks. 

She’s also a phenomenal mother. Trust me - she’s phenomenal. AND still: one of her takeaways in our last conversation was that she’s never really thought about who she is as a mother.

Most of us don’t think much about what drives us in our relationships, in our jobs, in our lives. 

Yet something is always driving us - and if it’s not us holding the wheel, we're letting someone else do it.

Fortunately for most of us, though, our deeper commitments and values are always poking out, and a heart-centered listener (including ourselves) can hear them.

Who are you as a mother, father, son, sister, friend, colleague, teacher, leader?

If you don’t choose it intentionally, you’re choosing it unintentionally. And there are consequences to every choice.

Much Love. ❤️

The Freedom of Commitment

One of my kids has been vegan for 5 or 6 years. Not once have I heard him try to talk anyone else into it.

I told him a few years ago that I was proud of him for being committed and honoring his love and compassion for animals. In reply, he said to me: “You care about animals and the environment too, don’t you? Why don’t you eat vegan too and not just be proud of me?”

It was a powerful statement. So I committed to being a vegan the next calendar year. 

That commitment not only made eating choices simpler (there are few options on restaurant menus for vegans), it also forced me to get creative about my meals - I was more exploratory in the kitchen that year.

Don't get me wrong, it was also challenging. That's why most of us don't make commitments that would actually honor ourselves and our values - it's challenging.

Yet, commitments can be empowering.

For at least a few years over the last handful, I went sugar-free (except during vacations). The best part of this commitment, for me, was that I didn’t have to drain my willpower in resisting sweets at gatherings. I had already made my choice before I even saw the sweets laid out on the table before me.

I just had one job: find satisfaction without them. 

Now that I’m allowing myself to eat sweets again, each tray of cookies and box of donuts releases an inner conversation between the part of me that wants to indulge, the part of me that knows the negative impacts, and the part of me that wants to calculate it out and reason as rationally as possible. 

It can be exhausting! It highlights a common principle of productivity to “minimize unnecessary decisions.”

(Hm. I’m committing, right now, to give up sweets for the rest of this year (except one at holiday and birthday meals). Why not simplify my life and honor my commitment to health and well-being?)

Here's another example: I’m committed to being unconditionally loving in my life. This morning, when I woke up stressed and anxious, I didn’t have to go very far to determine what to do about my stress and anxiousness - I turned toward it with love and gratitude, and then there was really nothing else to do. (Gratitude is an expression of love, by the way.)

Another commitment of mine is that I act from inspiration as soon as possible.

What inspiration has been calling to you lately, or perhaps even for years? Without knowing what the path might actually entail, are you willing to act from that inspiration and make a commitment?

I sometimes think about commitment that it’s a masculine, yang, or warrior-type action. Mostly, though, for me, commitment is an honoring of truth within myself. It’s an aligning of my actions with my values, cares, and who I know myself to be. 

Where in your life would it make a difference to make a commitment? How might that commitment simplify your life and elevate your integrity?

Much Love. ❤️