Feeding Our Hungry Ghosts

My client shared that she had an argument with family over a game. It was a quick statement she made while checking in, yet we spent nearly an hour exploring it.

"You see," I said to her, "this conversation isn't about the game argument at all. It's about the forces within you deciding how you're showing up in life."

Me: “How were you being in that argument with your family?”

Her: “Aggressive. Stubborn.”

Those are hungry ghosts of insecurity and fear, showing up with a voracious energy to win, avoid looking bad, be right, and feel victorious.

Our hungry ghosts devour our well-being, ignore our integrity and authenticity, and eat away at our relationships (leaving wounded souls in our wake).

"What good is winning," she said, "if I don't have people there to enjoy it with me because I've pushed them away with my aggression?"

Here are two myths about 95% of the emotional reactions we experience in our day-to-day life:

1. We think the source of the reaction is out there with our circumstances.

2. We think that our reaction will get us closer to what we want.

There’s a very simple exercise to prove that those beliefs are myths. 

First, think of a time when you’ve been happy, now feel that happiness. (Really, do this right now.) Then, think of a time when you’ve been sad, now feel that sadness. Those feelings right now aren't coming from the circumstance - they're coming from within you.

The energy of our emotions is ALWAYS coming from within us. We’re not plugged into our circumstances with an energetic wire like a wall that might give us a voltage surge. Our emotional reactions are always sourced within us. (Yes, our environments certainly have an impact, but that conversation isn't very helpful until we grasp our own responsibility in the matter.)

Second, think back to any number of your previous emotional reactions. Did reacting get you what you really want? Sure, it sometimes got you what you think you wanted, but the angry outburst, the contempt, the frustration - did it work?

When we get upset, we think the source of the upset is the circumstance out there. It’s not. In fact, our emotional reactions point to hungry ghosts within us looking to be satisfied by blaming our circumstances. 

Hungry ghosts - emotional remnants of childhood, living incomplete within us, reaching up through us to devour those we see as unfair, wrong, and scary. 

These hungry ghosts will continue to haunt our hearts with a life of reactivity until we give them what they're really looking for and put them gently to rest. 

They're looking for peace, safety, security, and love - yes from others, but mostly from us ourselves, and that is deep, magical, and spiritual work.

"I often refer to Mick as my 'love myself' coach. Working with him, I've found this to be the most powerful ingredient in achieving anything that I am truly wanting."

- Client ❤️ from Erin S.

Much love. ❤️

You Think That Voice Is You!

One of the most powerful shifts in my experience of life over the last couple years has been around my inherent doubt and pessimism. 

Here’s what happened: I more deeply distinguished that the pessimistic, judgmental inner voice that often speaks to me isn’t me! It’s simply a part of me.

I have a friend and former colleague who has told me that I’m the most optimistic person he knows. My optimism, though, isn’t my default. Pessimistic, fear-based, and judgmental thinking is my default. 

It's Not Optimism: I Consciously Create.

So what do we do about these parts of us that distract us, limit us, and perhaps frustrate us?

Here’s what we DON’T do: we don’t judge them, condemn them, or attack them. That’s being hostile to parts of ourselves. 

Being hostile toward any part of myself creates hostility in my being - and I'd never think that hostility is what I want to create in my life, yet that’s exactly what I create when I condemn, attack, and hold contempt for any parts of myself. 

So instead of being hostile to these parts of myself, I’ve learned to be compassionate. I feel and visualize my doubtful and pessimistic part as a child that’s trying to protect me. Doing so, for me, awakens innate compassion within me. The adult that I am gets to be compassionate, caring, and loving toward this young and scared part doing its thing to protect me.

See, that pessimistic voice is a part of me, it’s not me. Yours is also not you, but a part of you.

What hasn’t worked for me: fighting it or playing the victim to it. 

What is working for me: giving it room, being compassionate and gentle with it, and creating optimism right by its side.

That protective part of me can either be a burden or an opportunity - an opportunity to step up and to love myself and the universe more, to create more optimistic and inspiring stories, interpretations, and visions.

That voice you’ve been listening to isn’t you, and it’s not your enemy either. It’s a protective expression of self-love, one of the most powerful, and if we treat it harshly, we’re growing contempt in the garden of our soul. 

I don’t want contempt growing in the garden of my soul, and neither do you. What would you rather grow in that wondrous, profound, and beautiful gift of a soul that exists as who you really are?

Much Love. ❤️

If You're Not Outraged...

“You should be upset!”

“You should be ashamed.”

“You should be happy!”

Have you ever heard or said any of those?

A friend of mine in high school used to say, “If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.”

No, my friend, that’s not true. 

We live as if certain situations and circumstances require us to feel a certain way.

They don’t.

We are not required to feel any particular way about anything.

Getting this is what it is to get free.

A country gets bombed, a politician says something controversial, your spouse speaks with a frustrated tone, your students don’t follow your instructions, and WHAM - "Of course you would feel upset!"

Little kids take cues and learn from the adults, peers, and bigger kids in their lives.

We inherited our reactive behaviors, and we think they’re our authentic self. 

They’re not. 

We think that our reactions witness the truth about reality and ourselves. 

They don't.

Ask yourself this question next time you’re feeling reactive: What’s the age of this reactive behavior? 4, 7, 11, 13? (It’s highly unlikely that it’s older than a teen.)

A reaction is an internal, trained mechanism, an “unconscious behavior in which our energy is directed outward into the world in an attempt to defend ourselves or attack another. The theme of all reactive behavior is blame and revenge.” (The Presence Process.)

Your reactions aren’t you. They're a defensive, protective part of you that turns on when faced with a perceived threat.

In fact, if we start paying attention when we’re reactive, we’ll likely see that we’ve allowed ourselves to be taken over by an attack emotion that we justify with “noble,” self-righteous, and protective ideas. 

We use our reactive emotions to either protect ourselves or protect others, and we leave casualties in our wake when we choose to live from those fiery emotions. 

Yes, of course our reactions have a healthy role, but 99.9% of the time we're misusing them.

I fully stand for a safe, enjoyable, and fulfilling world for all of us. I’m standing with all the enjoyment, wonder, and appreciation with which I am committed to experiencing my life. 

And I want us all to know and live from the truth that we are never actually constrained to feel any specific way, no matter how the world and its people are showing up to us. 

We don’t need to be outraged to prove that we're paying attention.

We don’t have get angry to show that we’re hurt.

We don’t have to hate to prove that we love.

We can all learn to live more powerfully and more consistently with what we really want for ourselves and others.

What is it, above all else, that you truly want for yourself and others?

That question is an access to power, and it’s a gateway to a life beyond living in reaction to our circumstances.

Much Love. ❤️