The Most Generous Act

I was on a call with a couple last week, and what I experienced blew me away.

When each of us enters into a conversation with another person, there are two versions of ourselves that potentially show up: the mechanism-self and the true self.

In our “fights” and persistent complaints with each other, we’re showing up as our mechanism-self.

The mechanism-self is the default self with all the triggers and reactions. (The "ego" is the control center of the mechanism-self.)

The mechanism-self has very clear, obvious, and unchanging goals:

• Protect ourselves from perceived threats

• Avoid being controlled or dominated

• Avoid looking bad

• Be right or win

• Avoid inferiority (or prove it!)

• “Make it” through the conversation, situation, day, or week

The mechanism-self employs these same strategies again and again with no new effects or impacts. In fact, the mechanism-self is typically detrimental to the well-being of our relationships and even ourselves!

You know your mechanism-self. It’s who shows up when you find yourself reacting to the same situation and the same person over and over and over again. It’s like a dance whose steps awaken demons and bring hell to your relationship's world, but neither of you can seem to stop dancing it!

That’s what was happening with this couple last week. They’ve been together for decades, but their mechanism-selves keep showing up to defend themselves! But they’re defending something that doesn’t need defending, because it’s clear that they care about each other and actually want nothing but the best for each other.

The problem with allowing our default mechanism-self to attempt problem resolution is that our mechanism-self resolves problems by going to war with the other person’s mechanism-self, and forward movement becomes impossible.

That's what was happening on last week's call, until I noted the exact moments where something else was possible...the exact moments to interrupt the mechanism-self with the true-self.

And then I saw it, the most powerful act of generosity I’ve ever witnessed: the couple gave up their mechanisms' reactions in service of love, compassion, and understanding.

Yes, our defenses can FLARE UP in reaction to a tone, to an emotion, or to a statement, and that moment is the key moment of decision in our relationships. That moment determines whether there’s Peace or Carnage. That moment determines whether there's Love or Judgment.

Relaxing the shoulders, relaxing the emotions, and letting go the intense desire to prove ourselves right is the most generous thing we can ever do. It can also be one of the hardest things we ever do! These emotions can be fiery!!

That's what makes this the most generous act in our relationships: in the face of all the mechanism's defenses, to choose love, compassion, understanding, and care over being right.

It's also kind of like a leap of faith, at least at first. And it's worth it.

In a calm moment of clarity, pick an inspired and empowered place to stand in your relationships. Then, in your next "fight," stand there no matter how fired up the mechanism-self gets.

For me, it's Unconditional Love.

P.S. As a transformational life coach, I help teens, adults, and organizations move beyond their self-imposed limitations to be their best and feel their best. If you’re interested in finding out how I can support you or your organization, reach out and let’s talk. 💌

How to Be at Peace

This week, like every week in the transformational work I do, I had a number of extraordinary conversations.

The result of these conversations: freedom, insight, inspiration, and power.

There’s a moment right before we feel free…

There’s a moment right before inspiration arises…

There’s a moment right before we feel the flow of power from within…

That moment is a moment of Peace.

Peace in the mind. Peace in the heart. Peace in our bodies.

Peace in our being.

Here’s how to be at Peace: give up that there’s something wrong.

When we give up that there’s something wrong with life, the world, others, or ourselves, we create a little room for Peace. And Peace only needs a little room to find a steady footing.

Where there's judgment, there’s no room for Peace.

Where there's judgment, there’s no room for Freedom.

Where there's judgment, there’s no room for Love.

I was on a call with a client today who was really stuck in a particular view of herself and her life. In our conversation, however, she began to get a powerful glimmer of freedom - and all it took was the willingness to be responsible for her judgments of herself and her circumstances.

When we give up our judgment that there’s something wrong, Peace becomes possible.

Peace begins with you. Give up that there’s anything wrong, then decide where you’d really like to come from.

The people in your life want this for you and them, and the world wants this from all of us.

Thank you reading. 🙏❤️

P.S. As a transformational life coach, I help teens, adults, and organizations move beyond their self-imposed limitations to be their best and feel their best. If you’re interested in finding out how I can support you or your organization, reach out and let’s talk. 💌

Our Battles Begin With Self-Betrayal

So many of us spend our lives preparing for war.

We think about what we’re going to say. We think about what we should’ve said. We amp up our anger, frustration, and intensity. We flood our nervous systems with stress, anxiety, and tension.

Of course we think we need to prepare for war - our lives are full of battles:

We battle with our parents.

We battle with our siblings.

We battle with our colleagues.

We battle with our boss.

We battle with our kids.

We battle with our spouse.

We battle with our neighbors.

We battle with drivers on the road.

We battle with the other political party.

We battle with our emotions.

We battle with our will.

We battle with our thoughts.

The truth is, however, we wouldn’t feel the need to prepare for battle if we didn’t already live from a Heart at War.

Now look, we already covered that I’m not an optimist, so I don’t want you to hear this as Pollyanna vision through rose-colored glasses:

It is possible for each of us to live emotionally free and at peace free right now.

Fundamentally, we are each whole, complete, free, and perfect. We simply have barriers to our experience and expression of it.

We think the world is flawed and needs to be fixed. We think other people are flawed and need to change, die, or be fixed. We think we are flawed and need to be fixed.

Then we resign ourselves that this is just the way things are. “No, I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist!”

This is why all our battles begin with self-betrayal.

We betray the truth about ourselves and then fight like hell to prove ourselves right.

We betray that inner knowing that a life of peace, love, and understanding is accessible to us all.

We betray the truth that Peace begins with me.

Once we betray the truth of our own capability and power, we can’t help but defend ourselves by blaming everyone else for the state of the world and our emotions.

But all our battles begin with self-betrayal. We wouldn’t be battling otherwise.

We’d be building a better life and world together now.

Thank you for reading. 🙏❤️

P.S. As a transformational coach, I help teens, adults, and organizations move beyond their self-imposed limitations to be their best and feel their best. If you’re interested in finding out how I can support you or your organization, reach out and let’s talk. 💌