Don't Go Back to Sleep

There was a whisper that I heard in class that day...

I was frustrated and starting to get angry as I stood in front of 32 juniors in one of the best public high schools in Baltimore. I was introducing a new topic and while most students were attentive and interested, there were a couple distracted students much more interested in discussing something completely different.

So I called the kids out - couldn't they see that they were squandering an opportunity at this school? Couldn't they see that this education was a ticket to a brighter future, a good job, a better world? Couldn't they see that they need this education in order to make good money and be successful in life?

As I heard those words coming out of my mouth, though, I also heard a whisper: those words weren't mine. It would have been easy to ignore the whisper and go back to sleep. I'm glad that I didn't.

These kids weren't conforming to what students are supposed to be like, and I couldn't think of any other way to engage them than to manipulate them into conforming. Armed with a gradebook and self-righteousness, I was using my authority as the adult in the room to reinforce society's perspective on what qualifies as proper and successful behavior.

In allowing society to speak through me in that way, it's as if I had gone to sleep and some conditioned perspective reared its head and spoke through my mouth.

How often throughout our day are we speaking and acting as if from a script? It's as if we've put our own consciousness to sleep and allowed auto-drive to take over. At these times, we roll through our day, oblivious to our surroundings, our colleagues, and our loved ones except to channel some pre-determined approach to being and living in the world.

And some of us have gotten pretty successful at playing our role. Many of us start off in our careers with an evident desire to conform to convention, the driving force behind impostor syndrome. Over time, though, we no longer try to fit the mold - we become the mold.

Many of us teachers are reinforcing these societally constructed and reinforced norms throughout our day. Norms and conventions in our subject matter (like solving physics problems and learning programming syntax) of course, but then also norms and conventions for behaving, speaking, and acting. Heck, even norms and conventions for thinking.

It's really okay that we all do this; it even makes a lot of sense. Our modern societies have been sustainable because of a willingness to conform to convention. It's personally comforting to an extent, and it's certainly safer knowing that society approves of our actions, that our parents and their friends would likely approve, and that our teachers would be proud.

But it's not always authentic or what's best either for us adults or the kids that we impact. In fact, it might be detrimental.

Most of us know when we're reinforcing someone else's perspective or conforming to someone else's standard of behavior. Most of us hear the whisper of wisdom within when there's a better way or that it doesn't have to be this way.

It may feel a little scary and be a little uncomfortable to say something we've never said before or to be honest in a new way, especially if it's against the grain. The impact, however, can be profound.

As soon as I felt that internal dissonance in my classroom 15 years ago, I made a promise to not disrespect my students anymore by manipulating them into conforming. I also made a promise to be authentic with my students, even if I wasn't sure the best way how. I, they, and the world needs that level of authenticity - it's the only soil in which integrity, creativity, and transformation can grow.

When you hear that whisper talking to you, don't go back to sleep.

Thanks so much for reading.❤️ And thanks to my friend, Eric, for reminding me of this message.

Don't Go Back to Sleep by Rumi

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth

across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep.

A Profound Opportunity

At my current school we have chapel once each week. The entire high school gathers for music, prayer, meditation, readings, and a sermon.

During today’s sermon, it struck me what a profound opportunity it is to have an audience, people giving the gift of their attention, their thoughtfulness, and their listening. It’s a profound opportunity to expect people to open themselves up with curiosity to be moved or touched by our words and being.

Teachers engage with several audiences each day in the classroom. Most people, in fact, engage with audiences throughout the day - even one-on-one conversations are an audience of one.

Whether we have an audience of a school with 400 people, a classroom of 15-30 people, or a conversation with just one person, engaging with others will forever be a profound opportunity.

And we often squander that opportunity. We’re intent on sounding knowledgeable, looking good, or being cool. We’re working to get someone to agree with our perspective, to validate our view, to meet our expectations. We’re proving something to others, proving something to ourselves, or trying to make someone else proud. Maybe we’re just trying to “make it” through the moment, the hour, the day, or the week.

All the while, we’re distracting ourselves from the profound opportunity at hand.

The opportunity to connect, to love, and to appreciate. The opportunity to open, to grow, and to be touched. The opportunity to awaken, to express ourselves authentically, and to be fulfilled.

When all else is put aside, what a profound opportunity it is to engage soul to soul with anyone else.

I listened to a recording this evening of a coach I look up to, and he said something along the lines of this: “My wife and I don’t argue. We realized that it’s something we don’t want to do, so we stopped doing it.”

To turn that statement around just a little bit: What’s something you want for your communication with others? What's something you'd like to be in your communication? What’s an intention worthy of someone else’s time, attention, and curiosity?

Perhaps it’s to be open and curious. Maybe it’s to enjoy the interaction and grow from it. Maybe it’s honest communication, self-expression, and creativity. Maybe it’s to bring appreciation and honor.

Whatever it is that calls to you, I recommend that you intentionally bring something into your interactions with others. The opportunity to engage with another is profound, so wouldn’t it be pretty great to experience it that way?

I am deeply grateful for your time, attention, and curiosity. Thank you for being my audience, and thank you for allowing the spirit of my message to move you in whatever way it moves you. Have a beautiful day. ❤️

The only reason to give a speech is to change the world. - JFK

The Beauty (and Strength) in Our Flaws

A client shared that a warrior awakens within her when her spouse is threatened. She feels a fierceness rise like a sword being unsheathed, and adrenaline fires up each cell in her body.

She saw the warrior as a limitation that gets in the way of being present. Her warrior shuts her listening down, fires up her anger, and she can’t be present even with her spouse in these moments. In fact, she often turns the warrior on herself, and she’s left disempowered and helpless.

An inner warrior - what an amazing display of the genius of human beings! So many biological, intellectual, and psychological responses we have to people and situations - and they all serve to maintain our well-being. Whether it’s the warrior that awakens to fight or the adrenaline to hightail it to safety - we seek to minimize threats. Whether it’s the desire to mate or the desire to eat sugar - we like to satisfy our needs. We’ve inherited these automatic responses to keep us alive and help us thrive.

But my client wasn’t present to that wonder. Most of us aren’t present to the wonder of who we are, especially in those times where self-judgment, frustration, and shame darken our self-perception.

I was speaking with a different client recently, and he’s working to overcome his selfishness in his marriage and in his family. He was really down on himself - disappointed, frustrated, and desperate to break through. Like the warrior, he sees his selfishness as a flaw in his character, something he’s either got to overcome or continue succumbing to.

Every aspect of our being, even the crappy ones, serves some positive purpose. Fear, insecurity, trauma, anger, resentment, selfishness, hopelessness - whatever it is, there’s a good reason for it. What occur as weaknesses may not seem to serve us positively in the moment, but they exist because they serve us somehow. When we get in touch with the value of these emotions, we’re better able to transform them.

You see, as long as we persecute ourselves, we're in a vicious cycle of repeated self-blame and self-shame. That’s exhausting and doesn’t help. We’re then stuck either persecuting ourselves or feeling like we’re the victim of our circumstances, our upbringing, or the people around us. Either way, we’re stuck.

Staying caught in the vicious circle of self-judgment - persecutor and victim - leaves us no wiggle room to experience choice. Finding beauty, appreciation, love, warmth, or acknowledgment for these parts of us gives us that wiggle room to see new opportunities in old ways of being. When we foster appreciation and love for those parts of us that seem unlovable, we give ourselves enough inner quiet to hear the wise whispering from within.

It’s okay that our connection to our innate wholeness and well-being is sometimes obscured by our perceived demons. However, aim to see the beauty inherent in yourself, your mechanisms, and this fascinating and transcendent creature called “human” that we get the privilege to experience.

By the way, there's not just beauty in our weaknesses. There's also strength. I promise - seeing the positive side of our weaknesses is an access to transforming them.

And the better we’re able to give ourselves a little grace even in our worst moments, the better we're able to give others a little grace in theirs.

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️

P.S. If you’re interested in seeing what coaching with me would be like for you, schedule a call and let’s talk!