Breaking the Magic Spell of Reactivity

My gosh I was fuming inside! So frustrated. So full of mean energy. So hateful!

Then by Grace, the lesson came to me:

Speak for that frustration, not from it.

This is a practice in a powerful therapeutic process I’ve been mastering called Internal Family Systems. It’s incredible work.

It’s not that I was frustrated and hateful. A part of me was frustrated and hateful. 

So I jotted some notes: here’s what it sounds like to speak from that energy, here’s what that frustrated part of me wants to express. 

Then, I spoke for that part. “A part of me feels… A part of me thinks… A part of me is committed to… A part of me is trying to…”

And the magic spell of reactivity was broken. 

That frustrated part was still there, but it was no longer in charge. I was back in charge.

I gave it room. I gave it a listening ear. And I chose what words would come out of my mouth and what energy would be expressed through my being. 

That’s the source of all healing and transformation for us humans, by the way: we are innately whole, healthy, and capable. We sometimes simply abdicate our sovereignty to these loud parts within us.

Even when this frustrated part was burning hot, another part of me was patient and understanding. Another part of me was loving and appreciative. Another part of me was in perfect peace.

Accessing those other parts of ourselves becomes much easier when we speak for our parts and not from them. This puts the powerful and elemental I, the true self, back into the driver’s seat of our experience. 

No one is worthy of my judgment, and everyone is worthy of my love, including all parts of myself. I have room for all parts of myself, and they’re all welcome - they’re just not allowed to drive.

Much Love. ❤️

Trying to Make Me Feel Okay

How are you?

(It depends on what I'm thinking.)

How’s your day going?

(It depends on what I'm thinking.)

How was your weekend?

(It depends on what I'm thinking.)

Even when I’ve spent a day struggling - how has my day been? 

It depends on what I’m thinking.

Our thoughts aren’t everything. In fact, our thoughts are very little. It’s how we listen to our thoughts that determines their value and their impact. 

Over the last few days, I’ve had a decision on the table. Whenever my mind started revving into worry or analysis, I remembered this:

The mind is a gift. When it worries or over-analyzes, it’s afraid I won’t be okay. It’s searching for a way for me to feel okay.

And I remembered this:

The mind gets its energy to worry from fear in the nervous system and uncertainty in the heart. The way to settle that energy isn’t to figure it out with the mind - it's to allow the problem-solving, worried mind to settle on its own as its fuel source gets defused.

With unconditional feeling. With gentle presence. With caring attention.

Without needing to fix anything. Without needing to figure anything out. Without needing to fear anything.

I am not my mind. I am not my emotions. I am not my body. I am the space in which those parts of myself arise. 

My willingness to allow the parts of myself to be without needing them to be different - that’s the most important thinking I can ever do. Letting those parts be allows them to resolve themselves in the light of my own unconditional presence.

"I am safe. I can handle this. Thank you for the gifts you are. Thank you for looking out for me. I love you. I am safe. I can handle this."

These thoughts may start in the mind, but I’m only using them in my mind to focus it. Otherwise, I’m settling those truths into my body, into my heart, into my nervous system. 

How am I doing with that process lately?

It depends on what I’m thinking - not because my thinking is everything, but because my thinking impacts my experience of everything.

And I'm doing great with it. ☺️❤️

“There are no neutral thoughts. Every single thought is charged with a certain quality of energy. And when charged with Love, every thought can contribute to the healing of the planet and the transformation of the world.”

- Pierre Pradervand, The Gentle Art of Blessing

Much Love. ❤️

The Mind Isn’t Designed to Solve This Problem

Stress, worry, and anxiety. They’re all expressions of fear.

(Next time you’re feeling stressed, instead of saying, “I’m stressed,” try saying, “I’m feeling scared.”)

When the mind steps into the hamster wheel of stressed, worried, or anxious thinking, it’s trying to solve a problem it isn’t designed to solve. 

The heart (emotional body) says: “There’s a problem!”

The mind says: “I’m on it!”

Many of us look in the wrong direction to ease our troubled minds. We either look outside ourselves ("I can't be at peace until that circumstance changes") or we blame and judge our worried minds for our discomfort. 

We wish it would stop thinking sometimes! 

The mind, however, is there to support us. In its brilliance and creativity, it looks and searches and digs, looks and searches and digs, looks and searches and digs…but it doesn’t lead us anywhere new when we’re in a worry or anxiety loop.

Here’s what I do, and like most meaningful inner “work,” it takes consistency and unconditional presence to master it:

First, I thank the mind. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for looking out for me. Thank you for trying to solve this one. Thank you for the gift you are that I often fail to notice. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for trying to help. Thank you, thank you.”

Then, I remind my mind of this truth that is nearly always true, but it and my heart forget: “I am safe. There is nothing I need to fear. There’s nothing I need to figure out. There’s nothing I need to protect. I am safe.”

Third, I let it know, “I’ve got this. I can handle this. Thank you for helping, and I can take it from here. You can keep worrying if you’d like, but it’s not actually helping. I’ve got everything I need, and you can take a break.”

Fourth, if there's inner receptivity to this question, I ask it: “If you weren't playing this stressed/anxious/worried role, what role would you want to play?” This question is incredibly powerful when asked at the right time.

That’s a way I engage with my mind during worried, stressful, or anxious times.

This part is important too: the fearful mind doesn’t generate its own energy - it’s getting energized by a fearful heart.

As the mind quiets, the deeper “work” can truly get under way in earnest: being loving towards the troubled heart.

We’ve grown up thinking that our way out of trouble is better thinking, but thinking alone can’t resolve these troubles of the heart.

This does: unconditionally feeling it.

Not indulging in it.

Not wallowing in it.

Not getting warped up about it.

Listening to it, giving it room, welcoming it up, and letting it know I’m there for it, no matter what. 

I’m sorry for pushing you away.

I’m sorry for being scared of you.

I’m sorry for not learning sooner how to support you.

Thank you for looking out for me.

Thank you for the gift you are, even when I don’t see it.

I’ve got room for you. You are welcome here. I love you.

Much Love. ❤️