The Breakdown Snooze Button

We live in the age of distraction. 

Never before has it been so easy to distract ourselves. To sedate ourselves. To snooze the feelings and thinking that we just don’t know how to deal with.

So we hit that snooze button in the various ways we can: social media, netflix, alcohol, and mary jane. 

The alarm goes off, and we hit the snooze button. But the snooze is temporary. The alarm will just pop back on in a little while. 

Resisting our emotions. Judging ourselves and the people in our lives. Dulling our thinking and feeling. 

We’re trying to sedate and control our discomfort because we never learned a healthier way. 

I was having a conversation with a client today, and a powerful shift in her life has been her growing ability and willingness to take a pause and slow down.

She described the impact of that powerfully: it gives her room to make a choice about how she’d like to respond.

Hitting the snooze button on our discomfort and judgment isn’t a choice - it’s a reaction. 

Our reactions are based on fear and insecurity.

On the other hand, our responses are based on discernment and intentionality.

The alternative to reacting or hitting the snooze button? Slow down. Breathe. Feel it out. Notice what’s happening inside. Get in touch with your values, desires, and intentions. 

Most days, I have an hourly timer set on my watch to remind me to take a moment and ground myself in intentional thinking and being. For much of the last month, my hourly question was this:

What do I want really want, right now?

I don’t want to hit the snooze button. I want to integrate, heal, and grow.

I don’t want to react. I want to pause, respect, and interact from understanding and compassion. 

I don’t want to rush. I want to enjoy each moment in any one of the infinite ways available. 

I don’t want to fear. I want peace. 

I don’t want to guard. I want to give. 

I don’t want to judge. I want to love.

When I hit the snooze button of distraction, I’m not leaning towards what I really want. I’m leaning away from what I don’t want.

A life lived leaning away from what I don’t want isn’t a life I want to live. I want to lean towards what I really want.

I’m committed to leaning in. That means I’ve gotta get my butt out of bed and engage directly with my life.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth

across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep.

Don't Go Back to Sleep, by Rumi

Much Love. ❤️

ME Before WE in Transformation

A client has been struggling in a relationship with one of her children. She wanted to meet with me to find a way to make the relationship better so her child would behave better.

Before we could get to how she could improve the relationship with her child, though, we had to deal with HER.

ME before WE in transformation. What do I need to deal with over here with ME before I can reach out and deal with the WE?

It takes slowing down. It takes patience. It takes a willingness to look in the mirror and to own how we’ve been showing up and where we’ve been coming from.

I was coaching another coach once, and he kept wanting to discuss new practices and routines he could institute to support a transformation. I kept slowing him down and exploring what was already so, what was already present, what was already underlying the situation. THAT is what led to a breakthrough for him, not simply adding more practices to his plate.

When we deal with ME first - our own sloppiness, reactivity, and hidden intentions - we can access a deeper level of Self and a wider range of observation and creativity. We’re then able to engage with others in a much more intentional, meaningful, and productive way.

When we deal with WE first - what we want from THEM, what we say to THEM - we often end up in the same position and very little changes. 

When the oxygen masks in the airplane cabin drop, put yours on first before dealing with others. It seems paradoxical, but we can’t adequately support others unless we’re operating at our best.

When I don’t deal with ME first, I'm making others deal with ME. That’s not fair, and it’s not effective.

ME before WE in transformation - not as a rule, but as a guiding principle that works.

Deal with yourself first.

Much Love. ❤️

What's Driving You? (Or do you have the wheel?)

I work with an artist in her early 50s. What’s been ongoingly opening up for her is a clear head. 

Her creative projects are alive and vibrant. 

She’s freer to be and is living more authentically. 

She’s listening better - to others, yes, and to herself.

Wisdom keeps falling out of her mouth during our conversations. 

I’ve got extremely little to do with her growth. Here’s what I do: I create a wide open space for her to express herself and to be seen and heard, and I ask questions and make bold statements here and there that allow her thinking to jump onto new tracks - which allows her being to jump onto new tracks. 

She’s also a phenomenal mother. Trust me - she’s phenomenal. AND still: one of her takeaways in our last conversation was that she’s never really thought about who she is as a mother.

Most of us don’t think much about what drives us in our relationships, in our jobs, in our lives. 

Yet something is always driving us - and if it’s not us holding the wheel, we're letting someone else do it.

Fortunately for most of us, though, our deeper commitments and values are always poking out, and a heart-centered listener (including ourselves) can hear them.

Who are you as a mother, father, son, sister, friend, colleague, teacher, leader?

If you don’t choose it intentionally, you’re choosing it unintentionally. And there are consequences to every choice.

Much Love. ❤️