How to Make a Change

Yesterday, at the end of our time together, one of my teen clients said something brilliant:

“My judgment doesn’t change much, except my view of things.”

In other words, being judgmental is not the way to make the changes we want.

Our judgments are labels we slap onto the circumstances of our lives. 

There’s an energy to being judgmental - it’s a hostile energy, an attack energy, especially since our judgments are sourced in fear and insecurity. But that hostility doesn’t change the situation to be any better!

Our judgments sit in our lives like a mucky puddle - a stale, putrid dampness that's not healthy to have in our mind, heart, or body.

Judgments are a poison that we drink while thinking it cures the circumstance we don’t want.

The poison of our judgments doesn’t cure our circumstances, unfortunately, it just poisons us and our lives.

So how do we move beyond our judgments that hold us (and others) back?

First: get that you are judgmental. It’s part of our nature and conditioning. We are meaning-making machines, and much of the meaning we make up is sourced in fear and insecurity. So, for most of us, our meaning often ends up being judgmental, pessimistic, and negative - towards others, ourselves, and the world.

Second: get that there’s nothing wrong with having judgments. Having judgments isn’t a problem. It’s being judgmental that causes separation, frustration, stuckness, and ineffectiveness.

We can’t help having judgments, at least not at first. But if who we are being about the judgments is forgiving, understanding, and compassionate, then our judgments lose their stickiness and we begin to abandon the habit of being judgmental. I call this step “falling in love with all of it" (the stoics called it amor fati).

Third: catch and replace. Out of the creative space of our mind, fueled by the energy of fear, and insecurity, our judgments “materialize” and fly into our consciousness. Catch yourself being judgmental, then recommit to what you really care about.

Your judgment probably doesn’t change much for the better. Your commitment, however, will.

Much Love. ❤️