Positive Thinking Born From Inner Wholeness

I was on a mid-morning walk with a friend, sharing with him that earlier in the week, I caught myself dreading that afternoon’s teaching load. I told him that I turned my dread around into a state of empowerment.

“So," he asked, "what you do is positive thinking, right?”

“Yes,” I told him, “but it’s not usually about making up more positive things to think.”

So I told him a story…

A couple nights ago, I told him, I got out of the car feeling an uncomfortable fear and self-judgment arise. 

I went inside the house, and while making dinner I felt an urge to watch a show.

But I knew it would just distract me from what I was feeling, so I didn’t watch one.

After dinner and a bit closer to bed, I thought I’d watch my show then or read a book. Again, though, I realized that I would just be distracting myself from feeling the discomfort. 

So I went and sat on my meditation pillow instead. “Here, let me be with you,” I said to that uncomfortable part of myself. 

I sat with the feeling, relaxing my mind from its distracting analysis. And as my mind relaxed, I invited it to travel back in time to earlier experiences of that same feeling…

I was 15 years old, feeling small and hurt and alone. 

A kid behind me in class would sometimes make fun of me, telling me in an unkind way that I was going bald. 

I didn’t even like that kid, but his words poked a core wound. 

I’m not enough, I’m unworthy, and I’m unlovable - many of us have one of those, don’t we?

Now, the charged emotion of fear and insecurity was much younger than 15, but I’d never sat with that particular 15 year old before. So I sat with him and asked him to express himself - anything at all that he’d like to share.

Internally this can be tricky sometimes. The mind sometimes wants to speak for the younger parts of ourselves. But I focused on the kid and asked him, again, if there’s anything he’d like to express. 

And he told me everything he never told anyone else back then. He asked me his questions, he shared his heart and his thinking. And I was there for him in a way he never let anyone else be there for him.

He even apologized to me for the way his sadness and low feelings still show up for me today.

It was a beautiful conversation of healing, kindness, care, and support. 

As the conversation with this younger part of myself began to come to a close, I asked that part of myself this question:

“If you were no longer playing the sad, despondent, depressed role anymore, what role would you want to play?”

And the answer came immediately: “I care deeply for all people, including myself. That's the role I want to play.”

“So,” I told my friend on our mid-morning walk, “I now have this positive thought that can empower me when a particular kind of fear and despondency seems to overcome me: I care deeply for all people, including myself."

Yes it’s a positive thought, but it’s one that sprouted from a deep and authentic moment of inner wholeness.

Thank you for engaging with my writing. ❤️