A Powerful and Simple Transformational Tool

This post is about one of the most powerful, simple, and practical transformational tools I’ve come across: Blessing.

It’s transformational in that it alters our experience of life on a dime. 

It’s also a deeply spiritual practice, and it always gets me back in touch with Spirit.

Blessing is a practice of catch-and-replace. 

First, you’ve got to catch your judgments and your fears.

She’s driving too fast!

He’s driving too slow!

The weather is too hot.

It’s too humid. 

I don’t like feeling this way.

I want to feel another way.

He’s always annoyed.

She’s always so mean. 

What if I make a mistake?

What if he gets hurt?

What if she gets lost?

It’s easy to see that these thoughts are weighted. They’re judgments. 

We’re so judgmental! We judge others. We judge the weather. We judge situations. We judge history. We judge the world. We judge the universe. 

We judge strangers without knowing them. We judge people we know because we think we really know them.

We judge ourselves too - our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our actions. 

Judging is one of the chief things that humans do, and we do it out of fear.

Some of our judgments are light and empty. Others are heavy and significant. 

Here’s the root of the problem when it comes to our judgments:

We confuse our thinking about things for the things themselves. We live and be as if our judgments are the truth! And we call that discernment. We call it maturity. We call it experience.

What it actually is: condemning judgment. 

And our judgments aren’t just negative - we have positive judgments too (they’re just usually less destructive).

So the powerful and simple spiritual practice of Blessing begins with catching the veil of judgment you are nearly always looking through.

After catching, the next step is to replace. 

Blessing is a version of positive thinking, but it's much, much deeper. 

Our thoughts have energy - they aren't innocent. While our judgmental thoughts have a destructive energy, blessings have a constructive energy. 

I find that I cannot bless another person without tapping into the deeper part of my own being. I cannot bless another person without accessing genuine compassion for them. I cannot bless another without accessing a bit of Divine grace being gifted to me.

Here’s an example of how it works. Since driving is one of the places we can catch many obvious judgments of others, I’ll use driving as an example. 

Someone pulls out in front of me and drives below the speed limit.

I feel frustration build as a consequence of judgments… (Frustration is a beacon that points towards the judgments that cause it.)

First, I notice the feeling and then catch the judgements: "They shouldn’t drive that way! They’re too slow. They’re oblivious. They’re selfish. They’re rude. They’re inconsiderate."

Second, I replace the judgements with blessings. I bless you. I wish you well. I wish you health and well-being. I wish you safety, satisfaction, ease, and enjoyment. I bless you with expanding awareness of others. I wish you kindness from others, and I wish others kindness from you. I bless your journey, and I bless your life.

I grew up thinking that Blessing was something that only God or clergy could do. But blessing is something we can all do! 

Where judgment cultivates frustration, blessing cultivates love and connection. 

Where judgment cultivates hatred, blessing cultivates compassion. 

Where judgment condemns, blessing forgives.

Where judgment happens automatically and defensively, blessing can only happen with intentionality and generosity.

Consider this: if we can judge others and ourselves so easily and so frequently, perhaps we can also love others and ourselves more easily. Blessing is a direct access to this state of being. 

Blessing transmutes judgment and fear into compassion and love.

We can use Blessing at any time and in any circumstance. And we can even bless ourselves.

In addition to blessing throughout the day, the last thing I do each evening before I fall asleep is bless my family, myself, and as many others and as much of the universe as I can get to. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to master this gentle art.

Much Love. ❤️

P.S. If you're interested in further exploring the power and practice Blessing, besides working with me I recommend the book The Gentle Art of Blessing by Pierre Pradervand.

There’s No Doo-Doo on the Dock

One of my kids just finished two weeks at sleep-away camp. His favorite part about camp this year was learning to sail.

We heard that in the cabin next door to us here on vacation in Maine is a 60-year-old sailboat that my wife’s uncle built when he was a kid. My son had the great idea today to go digging into the garage to find the boat and see if it’s sailable.

Who knows what we’d find in that garage. Among spiders and old lake furniture, would the boat still exist? Would it still be in one piece? Would it even work? 

We’ve always got questions about whether our effort will be worth it, whether it will yield good results, or whether we might miss out on something else.

It’s much easier to sit still on the dock than to go digging through an old garage. But sometimes we can't sail unless we're first willing to go into that old garage.

One of my commitments is to act from inspiration as soon as possible, so when my son asked me to get the boat with him, though I wanted to keep sitting on that dock, I got up and we explored. We found the boat, got it into the lake, and set it up!

Where are you just sitting on the dock in your life? In calling up that old friend? In apologizing to or forgiving a sibling? In speaking up about what you want or feel you need? In applying for another job? 

The dock feels comfy enough, and maybe it’s authentic for some of us to just sit there all day. But if we’re feeling a calling to get up and move in a particular direction, perhaps it’s time to do that.

The truth is, however, most of us aren’t sitting on the dock instead of getting out the boat and sailing. No, unfortunately most of us are just trying to keep our heads above water and not drown.

Life, for most of us much of the time, isn’t a matter of sailing or not - it’s a matter of drowning or not. Much of life is something we put up with, make it through, survive, or get by.

Something else is possible, and all it takes is being willing to get up and off the dock.

Sure, no one spending life sitting on the dock will ever step in dog-doo, but neither will they live a fulfilling life.

There’s a spirit calling to us and giving us gentle nudges each day. What might it be like to honor the call of that spirit and move where it nudges you to go?

Perhaps the choice isn’t between sitting on the dock and heading into the garage. Perhaps the choice is between whether to live fully and authentically or not.

Which do you choose?

Much Love. ❤️

Oof. Another Lesson at the Beach

Last week I wrote about being with family and boiling with anger at the beach. Well, something else happened later in the week that turned into an even more powerful lesson for me.

We were in the car with my 15-year-old who’s learning how to drive. I said something to him about a notification on the dashboard. Quite surprisingly, he got frustrated with me and expressed it! I then got frustrated with him and expressed that too!

What the heck?! It was a simple statement and he flipped out, seemingly for no reason!

My wife diffused him/us, and he continued driving us home.

I held onto that one for a day or so - really thinking it was his fault, and not wanting to be vulnerable with him and share the source of my frustration.

I shared it with him anyway.

It's tough to get the first words out sometimes. Despite all my training in how to have authentic and vulnerable conversations, it still takes something! And I stumbled through the conversation at first.

I told him I felt hurt by his getting upset with me.

You see, for every hot and fiery secondary emotion we feel - anger, frustration, etc. - there’s a vulnerable emotion behind it.

I then made my first apology to him - for taking his anger personally and getting upset right back at him.

He appreciated my apology, and he apologized for being hurtful too. He said he got frustrated because it seems like I don’t trust him to be able to do things.

Oof. I can see why he would have that experience.

So I made my second apology - for often nagging him unnecessarily.

Here’s where we got to: we both recognized and expressed our hurt feelings (primary emotions) that were underneath our frustration (second emotion). Then we both took responsibility for the roles we each played in causing the underlying hurt for the other.

Taking responsibility isn't a burden. It's an opportunity, and it's an invitation to others to look for ways they can be responsible too.

Reconnection and growth is why I look back with gratitude on challenging situations like this. Turning problems into opportunities. Otherwise, they remain 'problems' or moments to feel regret, shame, or anger over.

There’s an epilogue to this story:

For almost 20 years, I’ve been intentionally on a path of transformation and growth in being 100% responsible for my life and my ability to live a great life no matter the circumstances. And yet…

I realized at the beach last week that I’ve been being lazy in how I interact with my family lately. I haven’t been listening to my wife’s feedback or my kids’ feedback about me - I’ve been seeing it as their judgments, their stuff. And while it is their judgments and their stuff…

There’s always gold to mine in what people communicate to me. I haven’t been mining the gold with my family in their feedback toward me though - I’ve been being lazy, righteous, and a victim.

It’s time to level-up.

Much Love. ❤️