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Writer's pictureMick Scott

Fitting In and Looking Good

In August last year, I led a leadership team retreat at a local school. When someone brought up having imposter syndrome, I asked the room who else experiences imposter syndrome. 


15 of 17 hands went into the air.


Imposter syndrome is fear, and all of us have experienced it or its twin: the fear of looking bad.


One participant’s takeaway from that conversation: “It’s not a me thing. It’s a human thing.”


It’s freeing to know we’re not the only one! And it’s also freeing to know we needn’t be limited by our fears.


In a recent Mind Mastery Experience, “fitting in” showed up in the conversation almost immediately. One participant shared how she almost didn’t come to the event because she was afraid she wouldn’t know anyone and have to deal with her fear of fitting in.


A desire to fit in is not just a you thing or a me thing: it’s a human thing. And it’s not just a desire - it’s often paired with a fear that we won’t fit in.


Imposter syndrome and fitting in have this in common: they both stem from fear. 


You and I, and many people we’ve worked with and witnessed, have a tough time getting over our fears of looking bad and of not fitting in. In small or large ways, these fears are fundamental to the human experience.


These fears show up in a lack of honesty (we wouldn't lie if we didn't fear), a lack of self-expression, putting lots of effort into obtaining degrees and nice clothes and other status symbols. They show up in not being straight, in delaying decisions, in people-pleasing, in social anxiety.


When we look at our fears, we often look at the external thing we’re fearing: other people’s opinions and judgments, not fitting in, not being effective, not being included or accepted, not looking good enough in others’ eyes. 


But fear doesn’t come from outside us. It comes from inside.


Fear is an inside job. Fear originates in insecure thinking. 


We ALL have a fear of looking bad wired into us somewhere. We’re afraid of what people think.


Why would we be afraid of what other people think? Because we know how we think about others, and it’s not very kind.


So there are some really great techniques to practice breaking through the fear of looking bad.


First, stop judging others. Judging others is automatic. Our culture and your family and your friends and your media have trained you to judge others. Stop it! 


For me, my mind likes to be occupied, so I replace judgmental thoughts with loving thoughts. I find ways to bless others, wishing them well in whatever ways I can think to. And I find things to love about others. Beauty and Love are in the eye of the beholder, so I use judgment to train my mind to be more loving.


The only thing between my true Self and loving others is my own judgments. Where there is judgment, there is no love. 


Second, get clear on your own intentions. When our intentions become more important than looking good, the fear of looking bad doesn’t stick around. It can’t! We’ve gotten too interested in something more valuable. 


Fitting in and looking good stop meaning as much when we stay in touch with what matters most to us. And unsurprisingly, we end up looking a whole lot better when we stop caring as much about it.


Third, get that the real source of fear is an insecure thought - a self-judgment that we’re in some way not enough. So our fears about looking bad have a lot less to do with other people’s thoughts than they have to do with our own judgmental thoughts!


These fears - like imposter syndrome - aren’t a problem. They’re not an enemy. They are for us. I think of fear as one of the clearest expressions of self-love - we fear for our safety, and only people who love us fear for our safety.


This kind of fear is a younger, less rational part of ourselves. So don't judge it. Don't be mean to it. It's like a scared child who's interrupting your work - give it some love, make some room on the chair next to you for it, hold it in your arm a moment, then get back to work.


So, thank you, fear, for all the love!! Now, let's get to work.


Fear is just misplaced love. When we can get in touch with the self-love more directly - like our love for the things we value and the things we’re committed to - well then, we free ourselves up from some of that fear.


Last week I was caught up in a whirlpool of fear for a couple days. When I was reminded in some reading that my life is only about Love, the fear disappeared when I turned loving eyes and arms toward it.


This is next-level living. This is the access to freedom. This is mind mastery.


And it’s possible for each of us.


You are always training your mind. Are you doing it intentionally?


Yes, fear is an inside job. So is happiness.


Much Love. ❤️

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