What Do You Really Want?

When traveling in Turkey a number of years ago, I crossed paths with an Israeli woman who was trying an experiment: she was following her impulses. She would only sleep when she was tired, she would only eat when she was hungry, and she would only move when her body craved movement.

I was reminded of her last year when I heard of a student at our school doing the same thing. As an experiment, he was following his impulses to see what life felt like. He had a number of late nights and rough school days, but he stuck with it.

Most of us listen to our desires as if they’re significant and pointing us in some direction that we really want to head. As if the mere idea of refusing our cravings is in some way refusing a part of ourselves. As if the the objects of our desires are what we’re really after and would really lead to happiness.

The objects of our desires are not what we're really after, and the happiness they lead us to is not everlasting.

So, what do you really want?

The first thought that comes to mind for me is a Tesla (any model, please), abundant passive income so I never have to work again, good health for me and my family, and the ability to travel any where at any time.

But that’s not what I mean when I ask what do you really want? I mean what do you want as a way of feeling or being. That’s really what we’re craving anyway. We think it’s the object of our desire that we really want, but it’s not. We are really after the feeling we get to feel when that craving is met.

It really seems like desire is an emotion that can only be satiated by getting what we’re craving. While doing so can satiate our desire at least temporarily, our desire is perhaps not really even pointing to that specific object. What if, like fear, desire is actually pointing somewhere beyond the object of our desire?

Just like fear, desire is a clear emotion - we all tend to know what it feels like. Whether it pulls us strongly or subtly, desire seems automatic and it’s nearly always present to some extent or another. Like fear, desire comes with some of the oldest and most primitive parts of our brains. And as with fear, it’s a really good thing that we feel desire.

You see, the obvious desires are biological in nature and highlighted by biological impulses. Other desires, cravings not sourced in biological needs or desires, are more like longings. In both cases, our desires serve one purpose: maximize reward. When we maximize reward, we increase our chances of survival. Well, that was at least true earlier on in our life as the human creature.

Today, however, maximizing our reward by satisfying our specific cravings is no longer a signal of greater survival. In fact, in a world abundant with unhealthy ways of satisfying our cravings, desire often points in a direction that hurts our survival chances. Sugar, sex, substances, video games, netflix, etc. - when we follow those cravings for too long our quality of life diminishes.

This is because our cravings have never been about these objects of desire. Our cravings are about our well-being.

Let’s take an extreme example of desire: addiction. Those of us who have struggled with addiction of any kind or any level know the strength, danger, and possible pain of desire, as well as the all-too-common interpretation of desire as immoral or wrong. However, we might just be misinterpreting our desire.

Joe Bailey, a psychologist, addiction counselor, and author (one of my favorites), has written that addicts, like the rest of us, are really just looking for a path to a feeling of well-being. Addicts have allowed themselves to consistently find that feeling in substance use. Joe suggests that our desires are always pointing us in a single direction: toward well-being. If we can see beyond the specific, momentary object of desire to the source of all our desire - a feeling of well-being - we might find some additional will-power to skip the cookies and appreciate a feeling of health or turn off the iPad and head to bed.

Fear and desire are always pointing to one place: well-being. It may seem like our desire is about that shiny or sweet object laid in front of us on the table, but it’s not. Mostly, our fears and desires highlight insecurities that we feel, and the fears and desires point us toward feeling secure and well.

It’s not actually Chick-fil-a that I want - I’m looking for a feeling of satiated well-being. It’s not really the alcohol that I want - I’m looking to feel good, secure, and self-expressed. It’s not really winning the argument with self-righteousness and justification that I’m after - I really want to feel loved and supported for who I am.

Here’s a magic question that helps us see through the cravings and fears of the moment to the well-being we’re actually looking for: What do I really want?

Just like with fear, look beyond the immediate objects of desire to where the desire is really pointing. And then remember that true well-being isn’t something we ever have to go looking for, because it’s always with us - always has been and always will be. Allow your inner wisdom to highlight what you really want, and the craving for those Doritos might just disappear.

For me, it's to be unconditionally in love with life, at ease and compassionate, and to be acting in line with my commitment to the well-being of all life.

What do you really want? No need to push, but don't hold back.

Thank you for engaging with my work. ❤️

Look Where Fear Is Really Pointing

In our two-week Adulthood: Tools We Should’ve Learned Years Ago workshop that wrapped up last week, participants got in touch with some of the default roles and roles determined by their former selves. While the workshop was more about the how of human being - the mechanism of it, getting grounded in our true nature, and developing the capacity to transform unworkable situations - the question of why we have these default reactions and ways of being still comes up.

I find that there are two ever-present answers to the why question behind human being: survival and reproduction. As a living creature, we have a biological imperative to survive and reproduce.

Survival equates to minimizing risk: minimize risk and you’re more likely to survive. Reproduction equates to maximizing reward: maximize reward and you’re more likely to pass your genes to a new generation.

The only way our ancestors survived was by minimizing risk and maximizing reward. It’s hard-wired into the chemistry of our DNA.

And there are two clear emotions that guide us to minimize risk and maximize reward: fear and desire. Fear and desire can yell at us loudly, or they can be the subtlest, softest pull or push.

Fear and desire are nearly always there and they’re automatic; they came to us with some of the oldest and most primitive parts of our brains. It’s a really good thing that we feel fear and desire. They are important indicators on our dashboard, and they point us toward well-being. It’s just that we often misinterpret the signals.

In this post I’ll be focusing on fear. In Thursday’s post I’ll be focusing on desire.

Fear leads us to misinterpret sticks for snakes, and fear leads us to be guarded and untrusting with strangers. Fear exists to minimize risk and to keep us safe. Fear will sometimes yell, like when our kids get too close to a street. Fear will sometimes whimper, like when we’re terrified of a violent person or when we’re crippled by anxiety.

Besides giving us a poke to second-guess an action that may be dangerous for us, fear also intends to keep us right where we are. Usually, where we are is safe enough. We know this territory, we know these people, we know what this is like. And that’s good enough for survival. This homeostasis, this balance we’ve found in this moment, this is good enough. Stay right where you are. It might not be great, but it's good enough.

So our inertia, whether it’s occasional or frequent, is fear trying to maintain the status quo because this status quo is sufficient to keep us alive.

But what about when we know that there’s so much more out there? How can we step through the inertia of fear and turn immobility into effective action?

To begin, we can get that fear isn’t actually holding us back. Fear is an emotion, an indicator on our dashboard, that simply points to something. One helpful step with fear is to see what it’s really pointing to.

A participant in the workshop last week shared in our one-on-one conversation that she was feeling stopped in her pursuit of a fulfilling career. She knew what she wanted to do, but she was afraid of hurting the feelings of those around her in her personal life who tend to take things personally and feel bad about themselves. By exploring that fear with just a single question - what’s the problem with them feeling bad about themselves? - she saw that her fear is really driven by a love and compassion for her people.

So her fear wasn’t telling her to stop at all; it was just reminding her to bring compassion, love, and support to the people around her. She saw what her fear was really pointing to, and she saw that she could handle it.

This example applies to many more of us than we might think. Do you ever feel stifled or limited in your self-expression? What if the fear that is limiting our self-expression isn’t intended to limit our expression at all? What if this fear is intended to actually just point our awareness to something else, to remind us to bring something else along with our self-expression?

When we are limited in our self-expression, it may be because we’re afraid of looking bad. It may be that we’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. It may be that we’re afraid to express something that we later reflect was not accurate for us. No matter what, this fear of self-expression isn't trying to keep us quiet, it's simply pointing us toward something else that we value.

Fear of looking bad is a fear of not being accepted or respected: bring that respect yourself. Fear of hurting someone’s feelings: bring compassion and care to your communication and to the people around you. Fear of changing your mind: you are a living being, so bring some compassion and appreciation to your (and others') creative self.

This is an exercise in reframing, but it’s not just an exercise in reframing. Stepping towards what brings up fear, when it's something we really want to do, is also an exercise in trusting ourselves. Fear is an indicator that reminds us to be careful and honor what we value. Trust yourself that you won’t actually do something to destroy your life, and trust yourself that you can live a fulfilling life and be a support for others to do the same. Trust others that they will have compassion and respect for you no matter what. Trust the world and the universe that life is meant to thrive, not simply survive.

Thank you for reading. On Thursday I'll be writing about our other primary driver: desire.

Have a great week! ❤️

4 Levels of True Listening

We tend to confuse our thinking about a relationship with the relationship itself.

Much of the time when we interact with someone, we’re interacting with our thinking: memories, judgments, hopes, or expectations of the person. Our feelings of that person come from previous experiences with them, and the previous experiences become anticipations of how they’ll act this time around too. In other words, when we’re engaging with another person, we’re mostly engaging with the past or the future related to that person.

The issue here, though, is that there’s only ever the present. In the present, the past is a memory and the future is a fantasy, both of which are thoughts. Hence, we tend to confuse our thinking about a relationship with the relationship itself.

True listening can only occur in the present. In a conversation, we may draw on memories from the past, or we may reference hopes, fears, expectations, and fantasies for the future. But listening is a present phenomenon. And while we have judgments, ideas, and criticisms come to mind while listening, we don’t need to feed them with energy or focus. In true listening, we feed with energy our awareness of what the other is actually communicating.

There are four levels in every communication that true listening can hear:

1. Hear what’s being said. Don’t just listen to the first few words and then think you understand where they’re going. Hear everything they’re saying. If you’re struggling to hear the other person through the filter of your own thinking, then repeat the other person’s words in your head. It’s simple and gets the job done. This allows their spoken thoughts to take precedence in your thinking mind over your own thoughts.

2. Hear the emotion behind what’s being said. We’re not just hearing a description or a story. There’s a person there talking to us, and people are always feeling something. What is the speaker feeling as they talk to you? What’s the emotion behind what they’re saying.

3. Hear the commitment or intention behind what’s being said. We’ve always got an intention or commitment behind our communications. Unless we’re practiced at creating specific intentions before conversations, mostly our intentions are default intentions. But they’re still intentions! Examples of intentions or commitments we may hear: being right, surviving, feeling good, making the world a better place, respect and honor, compassion, understanding, etc.

4. Hear the gold, the genius, the divine in the person expressing themselves. Hearing the gold means finding nuggets of truth or insight in what the other is saying. Humans are beautiful and elegant beings. In all interactions we really can get in touch with the true self of the person we’re talking with. (By true self I mean the unbreakable, untarnishable, perfect spiritual essence at the source of ourselves and each other. If we are breathing, that part of us is there.) Practicing hearing this part of people is the biggest gift we can give them, and it’s likely the biggest gift we can give ourselves too. This is an access to unconditional love.

These four levels of listening may just peel back the illusions of our thinking about the other. When this happens, we get in touch with the person actually there with us, and it's nearly impossible to not get moved by or feel love for who we see.

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️

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P.S. Our workshop for adults, Tools We Should’ve Learned Years Ago, is ending this week. I’m so grateful to the participants who have made this such a powerful experience for me and each other. And I'm grateful to you, my readers, who have encouraged me to pursue sharing the transformative power of these ideas.