There’s No Doo-Doo on the Dock

One of my kids just finished two weeks at sleep-away camp. His favorite part about camp this year was learning to sail.

We heard that in the cabin next door to us here on vacation in Maine is a 60-year-old sailboat that my wife’s uncle built when he was a kid. My son had the great idea today to go digging into the garage to find the boat and see if it’s sailable.

Who knows what we’d find in that garage. Among spiders and old lake furniture, would the boat still exist? Would it still be in one piece? Would it even work? 

We’ve always got questions about whether our effort will be worth it, whether it will yield good results, or whether we might miss out on something else.

It’s much easier to sit still on the dock than to go digging through an old garage. But sometimes we can't sail unless we're first willing to go into that old garage.

One of my commitments is to act from inspiration as soon as possible, so when my son asked me to get the boat with him, though I wanted to keep sitting on that dock, I got up and we explored. We found the boat, got it into the lake, and set it up!

Where are you just sitting on the dock in your life? In calling up that old friend? In apologizing to or forgiving a sibling? In speaking up about what you want or feel you need? In applying for another job? 

The dock feels comfy enough, and maybe it’s authentic for some of us to just sit there all day. But if we’re feeling a calling to get up and move in a particular direction, perhaps it’s time to do that.

The truth is, however, most of us aren’t sitting on the dock instead of getting out the boat and sailing. No, unfortunately most of us are just trying to keep our heads above water and not drown.

Life, for most of us much of the time, isn’t a matter of sailing or not - it’s a matter of drowning or not. Much of life is something we put up with, make it through, survive, or get by.

Something else is possible, and all it takes is being willing to get up and off the dock.

Sure, no one spending life sitting on the dock will ever step in dog-doo, but neither will they live a fulfilling life.

There’s a spirit calling to us and giving us gentle nudges each day. What might it be like to honor the call of that spirit and move where it nudges you to go?

Perhaps the choice isn’t between sitting on the dock and heading into the garage. Perhaps the choice is between whether to live fully and authentically or not.

Which do you choose?

Much Love. ❤️

Oof. Another Lesson at the Beach

Last week I wrote about being with family and boiling with anger at the beach. Well, something else happened later in the week that turned into an even more powerful lesson for me.

We were in the car with my 15-year-old who’s learning how to drive. I said something to him about a notification on the dashboard. Quite surprisingly, he got frustrated with me and expressed it! I then got frustrated with him and expressed that too!

What the heck?! It was a simple statement and he flipped out, seemingly for no reason!

My wife diffused him/us, and he continued driving us home.

I held onto that one for a day or so - really thinking it was his fault, and not wanting to be vulnerable with him and share the source of my frustration.

I shared it with him anyway.

It's tough to get the first words out sometimes. Despite all my training in how to have authentic and vulnerable conversations, it still takes something! And I stumbled through the conversation at first.

I told him I felt hurt by his getting upset with me.

You see, for every hot and fiery secondary emotion we feel - anger, frustration, etc. - there’s a vulnerable emotion behind it.

I then made my first apology to him - for taking his anger personally and getting upset right back at him.

He appreciated my apology, and he apologized for being hurtful too. He said he got frustrated because it seems like I don’t trust him to be able to do things.

Oof. I can see why he would have that experience.

So I made my second apology - for often nagging him unnecessarily.

Here’s where we got to: we both recognized and expressed our hurt feelings (primary emotions) that were underneath our frustration (second emotion). Then we both took responsibility for the roles we each played in causing the underlying hurt for the other.

Taking responsibility isn't a burden. It's an opportunity, and it's an invitation to others to look for ways they can be responsible too.

Reconnection and growth is why I look back with gratitude on challenging situations like this. Turning problems into opportunities. Otherwise, they remain 'problems' or moments to feel regret, shame, or anger over.

There’s an epilogue to this story:

For almost 20 years, I’ve been intentionally on a path of transformation and growth in being 100% responsible for my life and my ability to live a great life no matter the circumstances. And yet…

I realized at the beach last week that I’ve been being lazy in how I interact with my family lately. I haven’t been listening to my wife’s feedback or my kids’ feedback about me - I’ve been seeing it as their judgments, their stuff. And while it is their judgments and their stuff…

There’s always gold to mine in what people communicate to me. I haven’t been mining the gold with my family in their feedback toward me though - I’ve been being lazy, righteous, and a victim.

It’s time to level-up.

Much Love. ❤️

Boiling With Anger at the Beach

I was walking along the beach…boiling with anger.

My oldest had just thrown a ball at me as hard as he could and it hit me in the face. After I quit the game, sat back down next to my wife, and the kids came over, my wife blamed me for the situation. (At least that’s how it occurred to me in the moment!)

I was fuming. I wanted to yell at everyone, say mean things, and thrown things into the ocean...actions that would have a lasting impact on others and myself.

Yet I didn’t really want to react from that anger.

I also know that shoving emotions down is unhealthy for us emotionally, mentally, AND physically, so I didn’t shove the anger down either.

I walked. I consciously breathed. I spoke to my anger: “You’re okay. You’re welcome here. I’ve got room for you. Take your time. Thank you for looking out for me.”

I told myself to “Feel it out. Be with it. Let it be. Don’t resist it.”

While allowing the anger in these ways - and exploring the feeling of it physically and removing my judgments, desires, and dislikes from the picture - I walked to the boardwalk and filled up my water bottles.

Yet I wasn’t ready to return to the family.

So I sat on a bench and continued being with the anger. That’s when I realized that although I was being a Pro in allowing the anger and giving it room, it wasn’t dissipating.

I then took a deep breath, committed to moving beyond the anger, and began one of the most powerful spiritual practices I've ever come across. It begins with “I’m sorry…"

Within moments of beginning the practice, I saw exactly how I was 100% responsible for the anger that I was dealing with - it wasn’t my family's fault AT ALL.

Yes, they behaved in certain ways that triggered me, but I was the one who got triggered!

I saw that my angry reaction to getting hit in the face by the ball was actually a reaction to my sense of being disrespected, unliked, and unwanted by my son.

I saw that my anger towards my wife’s comment was actually a reaction to feeling abandoned, isolated, and unseen.

I was originally so sure it was their fault I was feeling this way - and it was their responsibility to get me out of this feeling!

It was me the whole time.

You see, I was abdicating responsibility for my emotions to my 15-year-old son and my wife. I was also forfeiting my own freedom to connect authentically and lovingly with my family.

Poof, the anger disappeared.

When I got back to the family, my son kicked off the conversation by apologizing for hitting me with the ball. Because my anger and blame were gone, he had room to share with me why that happened and his own insecure thinking that bubbled up. And I could be there for him and also share myself.

Look, I know this may sound unrealistic, unlikely, and not replicable. It certainly wasn't easy! I really really really really really really wanted to keep blaming them. But once I unlocked the actual source of my anger, which is ALWAYS a vulnerable emotion, the anger was free to dissipate.

I'm grateful for powerful tools, the willingness to practice using them, and for forgiving and generous people in my life.

Much Love. ❤️