What Does This Fear Cost You?

We're all afraid of looking bad to some extent.

It’s why we don’t raise our hand when we have an answer or an idea.

It's why we don't speak up when we don't understand.

It’s why we pretty ourselves up in dress, in tone, and in topic to fit someone else’s idea of appropriate or acceptable or cool.

It’s why we people please.

A fear of looking bad is even one of the drivers behind how we parent - we often want our kids to behave, dress, or choose in certain ways so they don't make us look bad!

So what’s behind this fear of looking bad?

The source of our fear of looking bad is the source of all of our fears: insecure thinking about ourselves.

We question our own likability, our own attractiveness, our own intelligence, our own coolness, our own creativity, our own worthiness, and our own capability.

Inside, we judge ourselves, and we're afraid of others judging us too.

There's a payoff to this fear of looking bad: it keeps us playing small, it helps us avoid being wrong, it keeps us safe (at least we think it does), and it gets us off the hook for making a difference in the conversations and areas of life that matter to us.

There's also a real cost to this fear of looking bad: our aliveness, our authentic connection with others, our peace of mind, our self-expression, and our empowerment.

We constrain who it is we can be in our lives in order to avoid looking bad.

And we sell out on what matters to us. We sell out on our values. We sell out on what's right. We sell out on the people we love, and we sell out our own integrity.

This is one of the fundamental, default ways of being for humans. We are fundamentally afraid of looking bad, and we fundamentally desire to look good.

So how do we break free?

This is longer-term work, not exactly for a 5-minute blog read - my clients break through this fear in meaningful ways during our one-on-one or group work.

Here's a start though:

Our fear of looking bad is a fear of being judged. How do we know that others are judging us?

We're judging them!

She’s too tall, he’s too bald, her jokes aren’t funny, he’s ugly, she’s arrogant, his tie is too short, her makeup is too thick...

The judgments flow and flow and flow. 

We try to make ourselves taller by cutting down others.

Therefore, one technique to break free from the shackles of a fear of looking bad is to fall in love with others. Instead of judging, wish them well. Instead of talking behind their backs, acknowledge them for something good. Instead of focusing only on the negatives about them, bring attention to their positives.

In fact, one of the most powerful techniques I've found to leave behind my default ways of being: be intentional.

The machinery of human being will always have some survival-based mechanism ready to kick in. Disrupt its ability to kick in by being intentional in all things.

Be intentional in why and how you engage with others. Be intentional in how you speak and treat yourself.

The title of this post is not worded great. It would be more accurate to ask the question this way: "What does giving in to this fear cost you?"

Because we're human, we're going to bump up against the fear of looking bad. There are so many valuable, important, and impactful reasons to step through that fear into intentional action.

Start now.

With love and gratitude. 🙏❤️

Sleep Walking & Perfect Peace

One of my kids was a sleepwalker for years. 

I’d hear him in the hallway at night or in his bedroom. I’d leave my room and find a blanket-covered child standing still and staring at the wall, or looking under his dresser, or peeking behind posters on his walls. I’d pat his back and say, “Let’s get back to bed,” and then I'd help him into bed. He’d have no memory of it.

We haven’t noticed him sleepwalking in a while, perhaps 2 years. So last week, while cleaning up before bed, I had a thought: “I miss our little sleepwalker.” Sure enough, at 1:30am that night, he walked upstairs, entered the bathroom, and was about to shower in his sleep.

He had awakened me from a beautiful dream I couldn’t remember. All I knew was that I was present to perfect peace. Absolute perfect peace.

Perfect peace as I opened my eyes. Perfect peace as I got up to help him back to bed. Perfect peace as I returned to my bed.

Then, walking back to my own bed, Clunk! A thick glob of dread hit me in the chest and started to spread within me.

I saw it happening: I saw the thought about my morning schedule, I saw the dread fire into existence within me, and I saw the dread's energy starting to spread within me, like tainted blood. I then saw my mind begin to start weaving thoughts about it - to handle it, to analyze it, to deal with it...

The full mechanism of the mindbody reaction machine began churning. 

And yet…I was still present to the perfect peace I awoke into. It was as if that perfect peace were my fundamental nature, and the dread were just an unwelcome item that plopped into the space of my perfect peace.

It’s like my existence is a bowl. The space within that bowl is the space of perfect peace. Fundamentally, that’s exactly who I am and who you are.

Then, the dread firing into existence in my heart dropped right into the bowl of my being, like a sticky, golf ball-sized wad of bitter dough. 

When I saw this dread as an object of my experience and not something that defined me or dictated how I needed to think and act, something magical happened. I was able to just be with it.

I let it be there without messing with it. I let it be there without trying to figure it out. I let it be there without adding energy to it.

Because of my daily practice of seeing this moment as perfect, I even brought wonder and compassion to the dread. 

When my attention got compassionate and interested, I was actually excited to get back into bed and explore this dread within me in a new way - not as something I needed to handle, but as a part of my experience that I could explore and learn more about. 

And then a funny thing happened rather quickly as I got back into bed: the dread dissipated, I became present to that perfect peace again, and then I fell asleep.

Each time we enter deep sleep, we return to that space of perfect peace that we are at our fundamental level. Perhaps that's why peace is something each of us craves: we crave it because we are it, and living a life of stress, fear, frustration, and overwhelm is so dissonant with the nature of our fundamental Self.

Relieving uncomfortable emotions so we can feel our best and be our best isn't luck, by the way: it's the result of mastery. I've put in the reps over thousands of hours of personal development, training, and coaching, and I've got a black belt in this.

It's also my life's work, through transformational conversations, to free others to feel their best and be their best. If you'd like to give yourself a boost along the path of self-mastery, reach out and let's connect.

With Love. ❤️🙏

Peel off the Tape

Do you ever ignore the dashboard lights in your car that tell you when something is wrong or needs maintenance? Perhaps your tire pressure is low, it’s time for an oil change, or the check engine light comes on.

If we don’t deal with it, our minds acclimate to the dashboard indicators after a little while, and other times we outright avoid them. It’s as if we’ve put tape over the signal so we no longer have to see it.

We also do this frequently in our lives.

Each time we sell out on our own commitments, our own inner wisdom, our own integrity, our own sense of what’s good and true for us, others, and the world, we’re training ourselves to ignore our internal signals.

When we say "yes" to something when we really mean "no."

When we say "no" to inspiration because we're afraid of looking bad.

When we gossip or complain or otherwise dishonor another.

When we break a promise to ourselves or someone else.

When we take a habitual action that we know isn’t good for us.

When we distract ourselves instead of sitting with discomfort.

When we indulge instead of allowing urges and impulses to dissipate on their own.

Many of us have gotten trained by family, friends, school, and culture to ignore the whispers of truth and integrity speaking to us.

It doesn't matter who it was that originally trained us: it's now on us how we show up.

It just seems so inconvenient sometimes to deal with those indicator lights, doesn’t it??

And yet…ignoring that inner whisper is ultimately unhealthy - physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually - for us and others.

The more we learn to relate bravely, compassionately, and generously with ALL parts of ourselves, the more alignment we experience at all levels of our being - and the more in tune our own Spirit becomes with the Divine Source of Everything.

Breaking through to a life of Truth, Beauty, and Good isn't always straightforward or easy. That's why I support people through self-mastery coaching.

There’s something magical - and transformational - in participating in intentional conversation with someone listening to us cleanly. They hear the things behind what we’re saying. They ask the kinds of questions that bring to the surface those underlying and covered up truths that we’ve become so used to ignoring. They see the light peeking out from behind the tape, even when we’ve trained ourselves not to notice any longer.

Peel the tape off. Respond to the indicator lights. Live in alignment, in harmony, in integrity.

No, this doesn't mean stress out and worry about getting it right. It means take intentional action in ways that honor the Divine Spark within you.

I promise, it won't hurt, and it may just relieve a bit of your suffering.

With Love. 🙏❤️