The Fertile Soil of Respect

Last week during my 9th grade science class I had a student say, “Mr. Scott, you hate me.”

This is a kid I often invite back into our class discussions, invite back into doing his classwork, remind to get to class on time, and remind to pull up his mask. Sometimes I do this softly and kindly, other times I do it theatrically.

I’ve been trying different techniques to get this student more engaged in class - he says he likes the class a lot, and I can tell, but I also want him to be more engaged with the material. No matter what, though, I’m going to respect who he is regardless of how he behaves in class.

As the adult in the room, I took responsibility for his experience that I hated him. I reflected on why he might’ve felt that way. I could see that how I interacted with him could easily have been interpreted as my not liking him - I was certainly nagging him. As we humans do, he was probably just misinterpreting my passion and energy and taking it personally, so I would likely need to alter my actions in a way that was more digestible to him.

(Here’s another example of that in the classroom, though I really was being a jerk that time!)

So later I said to him, one-on-one, “You said something that I want to discuss. You know what that is?”

He said, “Yeah, Mr. Scott, and I know you don’t hate me. I’m just having a hard time focusing today."

It’s so so so easy to misinterpret others, and I’m grateful that this student didn’t actually misinterpret me. With these simple two sentences, he reminded me of the power of trust in a conversation: when we trust another, we trust that their intentions are positive, trust that there’s caring and compassion behind the communication, and trust that we’re in this together and not against each other.

The most effective way I’ve found to have students trust me is for me to respect and honor them and their individuality, their intelligence, their need to enjoy life. Respecting them takes presence of mind and being more interested in who they are than in who I want them to be. It also takes intentionality and managing my own reactions and emotions.

Whether it's noticed or not, respect is worth giving all on its own. When I respect the sanctity of my students' being, it's a gift I give both them and myself. From that fertile soil of respect is grown love, trust, generosity, and a good time.

And just so we're clear, respect does not mean permissive.

By the way, I find that respecting the sanctity of another relies on self-respect, self-trust, and a willingness to be responsible.

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️

We're Always Standing Somewhere

How we see others determines our experience of them. Whether it’s students, colleagues, spouses, kids, parents, or anyone else, our interactions with others are guided by how we see them.

How we see others is so much less about who they are than it is about what we think of them. Our judgments, expectations, insecurities, fears, and memories - these are the things we engage with when we think we’re engaging with another person.

This is a really good mechanism that we’ve evolved! As an effective strategy to be safe, we judge others, we judge ourselves, and we judge situations.

But we live in a time where most of us don’t need to be on guard nearly as much as we are. Consequently, we’re not as happy, fulfilled, or effective in our relationships as we could be.

I’m a more positive and understanding teacher when I let down the guards and trust myself in the moment. I’m a more generous and compassionate father when I let loose the defenses. I’m a more loving and supporting spouse when I relax into trust. And I’m able to do all those things when I take as truth that there’s dignity, beauty, wholeness, and light within each of my students, colleagues, family members, and others.

Here is a process available to help us open up even in those times where the defenses cloud our vision and put space between us and others. It’s starts when we’re in a place of calm relaxation:

1. First, get committed. Get committed to being present and engaged with the people actually in front of us. Get committed to honoring the light within others just as we’d like them to honor the light within us. Without a commitment or an intention, we’re leaving our being up to chance or our momentary and conditioned emotions and thoughts.

2. Second, pick a place to stand - compassion, support, generosity, ease, creativity, fun, or whatever. Pick a couple words that will remind you of the profound opportunity it is to engage with another. Pick a couple words that will be a gift to you and others.

3. Third, trust your insight. Trust that the intelligence that guided you to pick these particular words won’t let you down. Trust that you’ll thrive in the face of anything that arises, so long as you continue to stand where you’ve chosen to stand out of inspiration, creativity, and generosity.

4. Finally, check in with a friend or coach. Reflect on your experiences with curiosity. Notice where the safety mechanism caught you or where you successfully navigated challenging thoughts or feelings. Acknowledge the wins, the setbacks, and the growth.

You see, we’re always standing somewhere. If it’s not a place that we’ve consciously picked for ourselves, then it’s a default place selected unconsciously by our powerful mechanism to survive.

Our survival mechanisms are great, but they limit our capacity to experience love, joy, and insight. Additionally, the people in our lives are deserving of so much more than we give them when we’re mostly looking out for ourselves.

Let’s live intentionally, give our attention generously, and love creatively in our relationships.

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️

The Business of Making Magic

I’m in the business of making magic.

In the classrooms and hallways at school, teachers daily engage students in conversations that expand awareness and understanding of ourselves and the universe. People and the world look a little different by the end of class, and that means our experience of life has altered. That’s magical.

Magic also happens in coaching. I have an hour-long conversation with a client and my only job is to remain fully present and point and poke wherever insight moves me to do so. By the end of the conversation both my client and I are in a magical space, one where new openings for being and acting, enjoyment and effectiveness, ease and insight have arisen.

The same is true in my workshops - like stepping into a Disney theme park for the first time, workshop participants (and me!) often leave our conversations seeing life with clearer vision and a greater connection and access to what’s possible.

When we expand our awareness outside of our own default and conditioned thinking, we experience magic. The magic of nature, the magic of love, the magic of creativity, the magic of self-expression, and so on.

While I’m in the business of making magic, you’re also in a business where magic can be made.

Magic can be made in conversation.

The phrase “talk is cheap” comes to mind, but talk isn’t cheap: we cheapen talk. (Thanks to the Landmark Forum for this distinction.) We know when we’re playing it safe, when we’re dishonoring our commitments and word we’ve given. We also know when we’re unwilling to share deeply or vulnerably, or when we’re unwilling to poke and point to offer a friend, a colleague, or ourselves a broader perspective.

And it’s 100% okay to continue to communicate descriptively, to talk about things.

However, the possibility is nearly always present in a conversation to access insight and new ways of being and acting in our lives. That's making magic.

This blog continues to be an opportunity for me to make magic, and I’m so grateful to have an audience. Thank you for reading. ❤️