My Actions Are On Me

When bigger, possibly devastating or traumatic events occur, it's a good idea to seek support from friends, family, and possibly counselors for our well-being. In our day-to-day normal circumstances of living, however, we have much more agency to manage the stressors and triggers that seem able to arise in every context.

On the one hand, it’s all pretty automatic, so I am not really responsible for my emotional reactions to what’s happening. There’s neurology, biology, and billions of years of evolution involved in converting my interpretation of what’s happening into an emotion that I experience. Stuff can be triggering.

On the other hand, I am 100% responsible for my emotional reactions. Who else really should be? It’s my interpretation that flares my emotions, so I'm at least in some way part of the triggering mechanism. It’s not what’s happening that flares my emotions, but how I interpret what's happening.

It doesn’t usually feel this way, though. It really seems that what’s happening out there is causing these emotions to arise in here. Regardless, how I act in the face of these emotions is undeniably on me.

And this is really good news. In fact, having agency is the definition of freedom and power. How we respond to what’s happening out there and how we respond to the emotions we’re experiencing in here is ours to master.

So a few questions arise: how do we access our innate capacity to be agents in our lives? How do we thrive in the face of external and internal adversity? How can we optimize our experience to maximize enjoyment, ease, and effectiveness while having the type of positive impact on others and the world that we’re committed to?

It doesn’t take years of study, special genes, the best income, the right spouse, or the perfect body. The natural state of our body and mind is a state of well-being. There’s no where else to get, there’s nothing else to do, and there’s no one else to be. We’ve been carrying with us the treasure, the goal, and the destination since our beginning.

Our temperament, our conditioning, and our upbringing do impact how far we may seem to be from awakening to this innate capacity for well-being and agency. It's still there though, and it always has been.

All there is to do is awaken to our innate well-being. Once there, inner wisdom becomes much more audible.

When you find yourself feeling stressed, upset, or insecure, take these steps:

1. Get grounded in the present moment.

Pause a moment, take a breath, and get present to what’s happening within and outside your body: thoughts, sensations, and emotions. You don’t need a meditation class, a sauna, or a yoga workshop (though all those help!). I mean right now, get present to what’s actually happening in your experience.

2. Act from choice and not from a default or conditioned emotional reaction.

Align your actions with your created intentions. In every moment we’re fulfilling on one intention or another anyway, so be specific about which intentions you’re honoring. Being kind vs. being right. Being patient vs. being rushed. Being grateful vs. being annoyed. Being joyful vs. being pessimistic. And so on.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you have great day. ❤️

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Emotions Are Dashboard Indicators

Emotions are compelling. Some of them, like anger and love, compel us to saddle them and ride. Others, like anxiety and insecurity, compel us to think even more and develop worst-case scenarios, what-ifs, and possible solutions.

Emotions awaken us to our bodies, bringing us present to the life pulsing through our limbs and heart and skin. Emotions often feel good too. Even some of the “bad” ones like self-righteousness, anger, and even fear at times can bring pleasure, satisfaction, and that good feeling of being right.

A turned on emotion sometimes feels like spirit itself speaking through us. I just open my mouth and the emotion says everything I need to say, or I don't say anything at all because the emotion is holding my mouth shut… Except that our emotions aren’t necessarily special messages from our true selves telling us how we should respond or react.

Emotions are more like indicator lights on the dashboard of our awareness. And like most indicator lights on our car dashboard, emotions are nearly always pointing to something internal to our system, something in here and not out there. This bears repeating: nearly always, emotions are pointing to the internal status of our thinking and well-being and not to external conditions.

1. Emotions point to the internal status of our thinking: Our experience of the world out there is always and inevitably filtered through our thinking. This may not always be our conscious thinking that we can immediately see or hear in our minds, but it’s thinking nonetheless.

Source 1, 2, and 3.

Ever see a stick while hiking, mistake it for a snake, and have a moment of freak-out? You freaked out because you thought it was a snake. Ever tense up when someone you’re not fond of stepped into the room? Thoughts about the person led to that. Ever get angry when your 12-year-old leaves something out on the floor despite your having told him repeatedly to put it away, and then you kick it and nearly break your foot? The pain itself didn’t cause the anger; thinking did. (And yes, my foot hurt for a couple days after…)

2. Emotions point to a shift in our well-being: our natural state is relaxed, aware, engaged, and healthy. When we move away from that state, our emotions prickle and eventually flare to indicate that something’s off. We usually look outside ourselves and react through our emotions to some perceived external threat.

While there are external threats sometimes, nearly always the threat is actually internal: we’ve stopped listening to the wisdom of our relaxed, inner sage, and have instead begun following our conditioned thinking.

We have a choice in how we respond to emotions. Rather than being compulsions to act, our emotions are indicator lights warning us of a deviation from our natural state of relaxed engagement. From this natural state, we are much better able to hear our always-present inner wisdom.

Emotions are quite a gift. Ride them as much as you'd like, but don't forget that they're really pointing to something within yourself, not something out there in the world around you.

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️

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Thanks to Joe Bailey for the dashboard indicator analogy in his book The Serenity Principle.

Playing Someone Else's Role

When I was about four years old and playing in the ocean, the undertow pulled me deeper and I lost the ground from underneath me. I saw the lifeguards in the distance, but they didn’t see me, and I was paralyzed - I couldn’t save myself. My mom reached from out of nowhere, a bit of fear on her face, and rescued me. Growing up, whenever I was in a scary situation (in class, among peers, or otherwise), I knew I couldn’t handle it myself and I needed someone to rescue me.

When I was about five years old, something happened when I was in the basement reaching for a board game and I realized that I am a problem solver.

Again when I was about four years old something happened with some groceries my mom brought home, and I vowed that ever after I would be a good boy.

The past is a memory, but we don’t leave its experiences behind us. In fact, the reason it looks so much like the past is what’s made us who we are is that the decisions and interpretations we made in our past experiences get misfiled in the future, and we live into them over and over and over again. (This is one of the introductory lessons in the Landmark Forum weekend workshop.)

It’s the simplest act of survival: we find ourselves in a threatening or challenging situation, so we figure out a way to help us avoid or succeed in such situations in the future. Something happens and we plop a lesson for ourselves out there in the future, a decision on how to act or who we will be, so we can live into it again and again to avoid the threat or failure that we experienced before.

This is actually a really powerful strategy to survive. Of course we’d like to avoid threatening situations in the future, and of course we want to succeed when we’re faced with challenges. So yes, let’s use these strategies going forward, but let’s also be aware that there are two drawbacks to this mechanism.

First, as my student Myles discovered, these effective strategies to survive can also be constraining. When we are unaware of the mechanism and we live into these strategies without observing the mechanism at work, we identify with the strategies, they become who we know ourselves to be, and they may limit our abilities to act in the moment. We become typecast in the experiences of our own lives.

Second, we become characters in the story of our lives, playing roles designed by our former selves. This can be fun and dramatic and thrilling at times, but there's a drawback: the spirit of our true nature and our ability to thrive and choose no matter the circumstances withers; more often than we'd like, we become no more than a role that we’ve predetermined that we must play. Sometimes the characters we play are happy, enlivened, and in action in life. At other times our characters are despondent, tired, and dissatisfied with playing the same role in life regardless of the set, co-stars, or scene.

Perhaps all we are is actors in the stories of our lives. Even so, when my role is defined by the decisions of 4- or 5- or 17- or 39-year-old me, or defined by a culture I inherited, my experience in this story is rather limited. Get grounded, bring your thoughts to the present, and act bravely, thoughtfully, and freely. There’s not really a future “out there” anyway.

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️

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Thanks for joining me on this exploration/reflection! If you'd like to receive blog updates via email twice weekly, be sure to subscribe here.