They're Not Responding to You

I still get angry sometimes as a dad. I’ll yell or get frustrated, and then come back around and have a conversation with my kids about it. What used to become a guilt-induced and blame-tinged apology has become an opportunity to love and grow. Here’s the magical phrase (or something like it) that’s begun to fall out of my mouth:

“Regardless of what you’ve done, my anger is not on you, it’s on me. Of all the ways I could’ve responded, I responded with anger. That says a lot about me and nothing about you.”

I’m so grateful to have learned this nugget of truth, because it’s one of the most important lessons I can teach my kids: They’re not responding to you.

Their anger or frustration - they’re not responding to you.

Their opinions and judgments - they’re not responding to you.

Their laughter and insults - they’re not responding to you.

Their gossip and drama - they’re not responding to you.

No matter what you do - they’re not responding to you.

They’re responding to their own stuff - their own thinking, their own illusions and delusions about you and themselves. They’re responding to their own fears, their own insecurities, and their own grappling with how to be in a world that feels so daunting at times. They’re responding to their own past and to their own fears about themselves and their future.

Can you imagine going through adolescence and young adulthood with less care and worry about what others thought of you? Can you imagine living free from needing to figure out what significance or meaning was behind how someone acted toward you or what someone said to you? Can you imagine living that way now?

Regardless of everything else: they're not responding to you. They're responding to their own interpretation of the way things are supposed to be. They're responding to their own desire to connect with others, and they sadly don’t know the better ways of doing it.

A colleague was telling me today about a student who came to her upset because of how the student perceived his peers judging him. She coached him to deflect their words and laughter, and when we really get that they’re not responding to us, there’s not even a need for deflection anymore.

When we get that they’re not responding to us, we get free. We get free to be. We get free to express ourselves honestly and passionately. We get free to enjoy ourselves. And perhaps most strangely, we get free to love even those whom we once thought were hurting us.

It’s sad for them that their thoughts distract them from the love and beauty of who you are. Imagine the internal suffering and at least delusion that must justify how they’re treating you. You’re worthy of so much more, and it’s sad that they can’t see it.

This perception - that they’re not responding to us - gives us access to response-ability. No matter the circumstances of how others occur in our lives, once we get that they’re not responding to us, we are no longer harmed and we are no longer trapped in needing to respond in specific ways. This is freedom.

We’ve had the keys to these shackles the whole time!

That they’re not responding to you, however, is only one side of the coin. The other side of the coin is just as profound and still not yet obvious:

You're not responding to them.

That's actually how I started this post off. When I'm angry or dismissive or mean to my kids, I'm not responding to them at all - I'm responding to my own perceptions, insecurities, fears, and expectations about how things are supposed to be.

Once we get that they’re not responding to us, we get free. When we then get that we're not responding to them, we stay free. And with this understanding we gain access to 100% response-ability, what I like to call radical responsibility.

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️

Just Because You're Working Hard...

Hard work is valued in our culture. It's good to work hard. It's right to work hard. It's productive to work hard. We should all work hard.

However, working hard doesn't mean we're good at what we do. For instance, a hard-working teacher is not necessarily a good teacher. This means that putting in hours upon hours of work after school and on weekends doesn't equate to good lessons. Excessive grading and giving feedback on absolutely everything doesn't necessarily translate to student learning.

So perhaps hard work shouldn't be a measure of quality or effectiveness. It's a good measure of something - probably commitment, tenacity, and determination - just not quality or effectiveness.

If we didn't have to work hard to show that we care, we're capable, and we're productive, how else could we show it? Maybe with enjoyment, curiosity, creativity, and vitality.

The other thing about hard work is that because we really think it's a good thing, we often feel that we should show that we're working hard. And the easiest way to show that we're working hard is to be stressed. Many of us wear stress as a badge of honor.

I'm so stressed, can't you see how hard I'm working?!

And that's how we propagate a culture of stress for ourselves and others, by modeling it for each other. It's particularly problematic that teachers who model being stressed are setting up students for a life of stress themselves.

Many of us have worked in businesses or schools with cultures of excessive hard work. Though it likely wouldn't be said out loud, in some of these cultures it's expected that you work hard, work extra, and wear your hard work as stress. These are unhealthy communities with their focus in an unhealthy and ineffective direction.

Next time you're feeling stressed about work or life, try to remember that the stress is optional and not very productive or satisfying. We don't have to be stressed to show that we care, and we certainly don't have to be stressed to be productive or effective.

Instead, find something else to replace the stress with. A few things that work for me at different times: ease and relaxation, engagement, enjoyment, and passion.

I can't remember where I heard this, but stress is just fear in a socially acceptable form. The stress/fear that comes with showing that we're working hard is usually the fear of being inadequate.

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️

The Power and Possibility of Adulthood

There are some people who get into education because it's a job, but the vast majority of us are there because we're committed to something bigger than that. Often, though, our invisible intentions take over, and we unknowingly work to fulfill someone else's idea of what education is supposed to look like and be like.

What’s the most important thing - skill, ability, concept, topic, whatever - that you think our teens should be leaving high school with?

Here’s a handful of responses that we could likely agree upon:

• Confidence and creativity

• Integrity and responsibility

• Effective problem-solving

• The ability to learn challenging concepts

• Comfort in the face of uncertainty and ambiguity

• Clarity and an understanding of their passions and interests

• A willingness to express themselves and to ask for what they want

• Compassion and a commitment to something larger than themselves

• Love, happiness, and health (in other words, well-being)

As I’ve whittled down my own vision of the work I want to do in schools to awaken students and faculty to their true selves, I’ve been having more frequent conversations with colleagues about this very topic. I’m sure that all people - teachers or otherwise - have an answer, and I’ve found that my teaching has improved as I’ve reflected and refined my own answer.

It’s just that the more I’ve refined my answer, the less academic it’s continued to sound.

I think that the most important thing that students should be leaving high school with is an awareness and understanding of their fundamental nature. From this understanding, we arrive at the power and possibility of adulthood. I think there’s nothing more important than this, and with it we obtain unobstructed access to:

• Response-ability. We can creatively respond to any circumstances.

• Fulfillment and enjoyment. We are able to thrive and perform optimally.

• Ease and Love. We are able to relax into our innate well-being and bring gratitude, compassion, and true listening.

When we engage in this kind of thinking, we live more intentionally and integrity, and this matters: what’s on our mind affects our being, and our being determines our experience and effectiveness.

Intentionality is such a simple concept, yet its impact is profound.

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️